better

Lately I have been feeling better. Like a lot better. Like the kinda better that makes me wonder when I am gonna get hit by like a ton of bricks. It has probably been 2 weeks that I have been feeling this way. Today I jammed out in the car to Pierce's cd and only choked up a few times and shed a few tears. It is like waiting around wondering when I am gonna hit the lull again. I know it'll come. Gotta love pins and needles. ;)

The hard/sad thing is that recognizing how I am feeling doesn't necessarily make me happy, it kinda makes me feel bad. I know it is irrational to think that by not crying X amount of times per day I am moving on or over it, or that feeling happy is in someway forgetting my Pierce, or that living and loving each day means its ok that he isn't here. BUT as a crazy grieving mother it totally feels like all of the later above. Irrational right? And since I realize that you would think I could feel differently, but I don't. It still makes me feel bad. Its like I know Pierce wouldn't want me to mull around and cry all day, but I am also sure he doesn't want us to forget about him and move on like nothing happened. Finding the balance between the two and feeling good about it for me, is a current feat.

It's like I still miss him, think about him, wish he was here, cry about him everyday, but it isn't as consuming. It feels wrong not to be consumed by it. I mean it feels good to feel peace, acceptance and hope for the future. But so wrong at the same time. Weird.

Lately Brigs has been asking for "Koen's Song." Which is really Pierce's Lullaby but since Koen listens to it every night that is what Brigs calls it. Today we were listening to it in the car and he said "Mom whats that beeping?" In the songs you can hear Pierce's monitors beeping a lot. It was a reminder of how much of a big mumbo jumbo this must be in his little mind. The beeping, the songs, the pictures, the cemetery, the big brother book, all of it. I wonder how much of it he gets. I hope so much that we can help him know Pierce as he gets bigger. It still just makes my heart hurt that he won't know him at all for himself.

The hard times are definitely not as frequent as they were at first. I was reading a post of someone who recently started this not so fun journey of baby loss. It made me realize that I am moving in the right direction. I remember feeling the way she is. I remember thinking it could never feel any different. I often still think that about how I feel now. But when I look at my current feelings compared to 5 months ago, they are different. They are changing, evolving, molding and growing. All in the right direction. It is hard still, but different.  

8 months and SO loved!

Today my baby turned 8 months. It is so funny how these milestones are still HUGE, as if he was here doing something HUGE. :) Although I am pretty sure he is doing something HUGE on the other side, we like to think about/celebrate him here, because he is a HUGE part of our lives. That was a lot of HUGES! :)

One of my BF's came over yesterday. She had her little girl the day before P was born. They were betrothed. :) It is quite sad for little miss Capri that she has to miss out on that little man. :( He is pretty cute. However the reason for saying this is because, I think for what may have been the first time, yesterday I held her. And I loved it. I smooched her little chunky cheeks and I loved it. Now as much as I would love to be kissing my own little babies cheeks I think I am actually coming to the acceptance part. I remember thinking I was there a long while ago, and maybe I am just recycling through. It is funny(not really though :) how long this grieving buis is. Geez, it's a full time job. :)

Well cute Lynds brought some beautiful flowers. Which is ultra fabulous because my others just died. :) Aren't they fabulous.

My sister in law Tanna also stopped by yesterday because she knew today was a busy day and brought some flowers and some pictures from the girls. I love them. The girls and Matt and Tanna included. They live just a few minutes from us and therefor just a few minutes from the cemetery. I have driven by the cemetery and seen their car there and I have visited and found things they have left for him. It really just warms my heart. I know they too had lots of hopes and dreams that involved Pierce and their little man, Vince. It really means so much that they take time aside from their busy lives to think about us and Pierce. They took one of the flowers out of the bunch yesterday and left it on P's grave. Really, love love them!

So, in my title when I say so loved I am referring to P and to me. I feel so loved by those around me, thank you. It really makes my life a lot happier. :)

Today was a busy day. Phil and I took the kiddos up to Primary's. We are currently in a long string of genetic testing. Still trying to find out what made P man so sick. It is really crazy to be 8 months out and still not have any answers. When we walked in the hospital doors Koen said "Mom life flight hospital (PCMC) is the best hospital, I just don't know why they couldn't figure out what was wrong with Pierce." Dude, I seriously agree. :) Maybe these tests will be it. However, it is hard to get your hopes up considering we have done how many tests that still leave us with only things ruled out? 

The kiddos had to get poked today. Not fun. However they were surprisingly excellent. Really I would say excellent. Koen cried some tears but was SO good. And B cried only on the poke. He just keep saying "Wet Go!" haha He is a crack up. It was really sad when Koen walked out and said "Mom why did they have to do that to me?" I told him I would tell him in a few minutes when we were out of the lab, I was holding it together by a thread. We then talked about how him doing that could help us know what made Pierce sick. He seemed very pleased with that answer. The child life specialist assisted with their blood draws and I am convinced that was why they were so smooth. After a prize and a sticker we stopped to see our friend Spider Man.

We got the kiddos some ice cream and lunch at the cafeteria and were able to catch up with one of Pierce's nurses, Chris. I love seeing and talking to them. It just reminds of Pierce. They knew him so well. It is interesting cause I kind of tend to feel that way about PCMC too. I don't hate going there. I feel like there they knew Pierce. There I held my baby. There my baby lived for 2 months. There I pumped gallons of milk. There they are still helping us find answers. I guess I actually kind of like it. Even though it was a hard time, I just think of it differently. I think of the good. For that I am glad.

We of course had to get some corner bakery for lunch, so miss that place. YUM! Ko and I ran a few errands when we got home and blew birthday kisses and wishes to the little man as we traveled to and fro. We sure love that little tyke.

I do have to jot down one other thing Koen said a few days ago. "Mom, I think Pierce would really like being here with us." I said "I think you are right buddy, but I don't know that he would like being so sick." He then said "I think what he would like best is if we could all just be in Heaven together." I think he hit the nail on the head. I think we WILL all like that. :)

Goals-January

So I am not a huge New Years Resolution person. Not because I don't think it is a good idea, I usually just don't do it. This year I decided to make new goals each month. Let's be honest, a month is such an easier amount of time to stick with something. If I like it I may carry it to the next month. :)

January's goals are as follows:

*No treats (desserts, candy, fruit snacks, cookies etc) Not because I would do this forever, BUT I LOVE treats and during the holidays I feel like it is a straight up overload so I like to take January treat free. :)

*Work out 6 days a week.

That is all for January. I am evaluating what I would like to do for February at the moment. Really though I am just excited for February 1st to come around, when I may just make a little trip for myself to Coldstone. :) Hopefully, I don't get to crazy or I may just see it all again. I have a sensitive stomach to sugar anyway. I am sure a month without with be even more so. haha The 6 days/week workouts have been good, going strong. I am seeing good results in my BL contest and I am sure these are both helping!

Whats up at OUR house....

Cute little boys are everywhere.....

(one of our MANY P shrines. Ü)

Little boys with "fuzzy" heads!

One of those little boys can't keep his teeth off the other.....

Which results in much sadness from the biter, yep not even the biteey.

(Koen kept telling him he forgave him and huggin him "I still love you")

One little boy is learning to use the big boy potty.

 (love that he picked Batman underwear. All of Koen's were like Elmo and Thomas. You can tell he is the younger brother. So far so good by the way. He sure is a stubborn fellow :)

The other little boy is busy making festive crafts for our fridge.

(I love that he picked which one was for who)

2 older people in our house aka Mom and Dad are trying to be the biggest loser.

(In a contest with some of the Olsen clan. Started on Dec 26th. Ends on Feb 29th. There are lots of workouts here from the big and little alike. And lots of healthy food. :) 

All the while Mom and Dad are also learning to Scuba dive. 

Hopefully this will soon be us!!!

(With Grand Cayman and Costa Rica(?? Panama cruise) on the docket we thought we ought to. If you remember from here water makes me a titch  nervous. But with only one minor panic attack at our first lesson, I actually surprised myself and I am hoping I can handle it! :) 

Off Track Family Time

Yahoo Ko has been off track since Christmas. I wanted to do at least 1 fun family day a week while he was off. That is the joy of Phil's 3 days work weeks, we can go do things in the middle of the week when it isn't busy, as a family. Well, we didn't do anything extra ordinary the first week because that was between Christmas and New Years but we had fun the other two, and I am so not ready for him to go back. BOO!

Discovery Gateway:

Ko and I had a pass here when we first moved back from PA. It was really fun and we went pretty frequent. I always feel bad that I don't really do stuff like that with my boys anymore unless Phil can go. Really Brigs is just too out of control. He has gotten to be really good when he has boundaries (our house or anyone else's) but going places is still rough. And he reminded me off this while there. ;) So, anyway it was fun to go again and take Brigs since I don't think he had every been. They loved the ball area and the water the most. Brigs was terrified of the helicopter as he is of most loud noises (I swear he has hypersensitive hearing, since he was a baby)

We ended at the mall for lunch. Where we each could get our own thing, 3 different places for the 4 of us. haha PS did you know an american cheese on a stick from HDOAS (my FAV) only has 260 calories? That is just fabulous and SO SO worth it. :)

Dinosaur Museum at Thanksgiving Point:

We had actually never been here before, but have wanted to for a while. I was impressed. We saw one of their movies (about Pangea) which SHOCKINGLY Brigs sat through(and wore the glasses) the whole 45 minutes, only one time saying "ready go mom" Then we had fun checking out all the dinos, building and playing in the sand/water station and digging for bones. I was impressed, although if I was gonna make it a regular I would definitely buy a pass, it wasn't the cheapest place. These pictures make me want to cry my eyes out because Brigs is looking SO big. My kids are not allowed to grow up. Maybe mature a little but be little boys forever! haha Ü

 We had to get some lunch after cause we were starvin our faces off. :) So we went to their yummy deli. After we got the kiddos some ice cream. It was a such a fun family date! Love my family!

Missin the Mister Man

We of course had to go visit the cemetery on Pierce's 6 month Angelversary. We decided what better time to take him some Valentine stuff. The boys picked him out some sticks. Koen's is the heart that says "You rock" and Brigs picked the shinny red and black one that says "love you." We just added everything new to his old so it is looking a little overboard but what can we say, he is SO loved.

I will say that the day went a lot smoother than I had anticipated considering the days I was having before. Maybe that was why it wasn't as bad. I ended up going to a lunch with some friends thinking I would only stay an hour because I didn't know if I would be up to it. I stayed for like 4 hours! haha It was nice. Then we went over to the cemetery to visit. It was rather chilly and B kept saying "hands freezin" so sad. It is just crazy that we haven't had to clear snow off his headstone once this winter. Then I had Bunco that night and the girls let me cry to them for a good hour, woe is me style. :) It is just nice to talk it out and get it off my chest every once in a while. THANKS! Also some of my best friends sent me flowers just to let me know they were thinking/loving me and him. There little note made me cry...of course. They have adorned my kitchen table for a few days now and I love em. Thank Stac, Lo and Brook.