off track

Koen is off track right now and it has literally been great. I wasn't sure how I would feel about the whole track thing. I love having the whole summer off. I love summer and there is so much to do. However I think the little breaks are nice.

So far we have found plenty of things to keep us busy. Koen has t-ball and swimming twice a week. So on the days he has swimming lessons we head to the gym and I do Zumba first while the kids play in the daycare, then we do his lessons and then we stay and swim. Because you know I have wrestled Brigs for the last 30 minutes to keep him out of the pool...geez he is intense. He loves it when it is finally his turn. Then t-ball is in the evening. We have also been taking some fun run/bike rides. Koen rides his bike and I run with B in the jogger. I was so impressed today that he rode 3 miles. We went all the way to our church and back with a stop each way at the cemetery.

I love the it is so close. I try hard not to but for some reason I cry every time we are there. Today I said something to Koen about how I have been crying so much lately and he said, :"give him a hug, it makes me feel better" as he hugged his temporary headstone. I did and a kiss, and I did feel better. I think it will be kind of sad when the permanent one gets put in. We have really loved having his picture on it.

Koen has also been reading up a storm. One of the things that I worry about with the breaks is that he will forget what he has learned. I vowed to myself I would work hard so he wouldn't. So we have been reading lots and practicing a bunch of other stuff as well. Brigs of course loves having him home as well. With the nice weather he has been able to play outside a ton. Here's to another 3 weeks of off track time! :)

thoughts upon thoughts

It is so weird, since we got our new pictures taken I have been looking around my house thinking of what pictures I want to change. Every time I feel like I am missing some. It is because of Pierce's pictures. I keep thinking I should have new pics of him to replace the older ones, like I do of my other boys. It is a harsh reality when I realize I don't and I won't.

I got another book from a family in the ward I grew up in about grieving the loss of a child. I find these books so interesting but have yet to decide if they actually help. It seems the whole time I read them I relive my experience and bawl my eyes out.

I also received a comment from a fellow NICU parent whose baby was directly across from Pierce for the first few weeks he was there. She mentioned my sweet Nana (Phil's grandma) and how she always thought Nana was so sweet visiting Pierce everyday and telling everyone how special he is. HE IS, so special. I don't know why exactly but the note from her was so special to me. I wish I could be in contact with all those people in our little section. They saw my baby, most of them everyday. They know he was real. Anything they remember about him would be special. I wonder about all of them and their babies also. This particular NICU mom's baby was born just 6 days before Pierce. I went to her blog and looked at the picture of her cute, happy baby. I can't believe Pierce would be that big.

Did ya know I almost can't stand seeing pregnant people? Isn't it weird that that actually bothers me more than people with new babies, although I generally don't "love" that either. It is really annoying to feel this way. I actually hate that I can't help it. It is the most anxious, "I am going to throw up" feeling, and as much as I tell myself to chill and be happy for them, it doesn't go away. I really wish it would, it is beyond obnoxious to feel a way that you really don't want to. (I still love you my pregnant friends :)

The bigger problem is this is like a train wreck for me. I hear someone is pregnant or had a baby, and I go and read all about it(blog or facebook), look through all their new pictures and make myself feel worse. Really, just look away if it makes you feel that way. haha

Did you know that I also try to bring Pierce up to random people sometimes? Weird huh? Just to talk about him. Probably because he is on my mind non stop and other people don't even know he existed. It is probably really awkward for other people, but being honest I don't really care. It is what I need right now. To talk about him, remember him, and know that it wasn't just a dream. I had a baby. He was really cute, sick, but really cute. He has a name that I have grown quite fond of and wish I could say a lot more than I do. He is and was a huge part of our life and I want to talk about him. Even if it makes me cry, cause it always does.

I really hate the hard days. They are getting farther between but the days like today where the tears are relentless, just really suck. I have already worked out twice, that didn't work. I got a shake, that didn't work. hmm...what's next? Maybe a nap. I am getting a headache from the crying.

Fotofly Sept 2011

We went to Fotofly for our family pics this year. I REALLY love the lady who took them last year but was really debating having them taken at all since our family didn't end up changing much in appearance from last year. I ended up choosing Fotofly to take pics of my boys and figured "what the heck" may as well throw a family shot in there.
I was less than impressed with our photographer to say the least. Considering the price though it was still worth it. Here they are...

*the boys*

*Koen* 

 *Brigs*

I love that she caught Brigs in his 2 most common looks. One is his shy/sad look and the other is his finger in his nose...why is that a good resting spot??

First time...

So today I packed away my pump with mixed emotions....
For the first time in 4 months I do not have a pump station in my room. I originally had a desk that I pumped at faithfully every 3 hours producing MASS quantities of milk. I was pumping around 60 oz a day until we realized I wouldn't need any milk let alone that much. A few days before Pierce passed away I cut it down and have slowly continued to since.
I did solely morning and night for a while, and got rid of the desk but had a little spot on my floor. For the past 3 weeks I have just been pumping before bed. I am so lucky to have a cute little niece to give my milk to. She loves it, and I love giving it to her. I have pumped thousands of ounces for her, and am so glad to have been to! I have been "trying" to stop for at least 2 weeks but have been having a hard time letting it go. It makes it sort of nice that when I started running a lot a couple weeks ago I noticed a drop, and after I started insanity last week it almost stopped on its own. It is somewhat sad, but nice that I didn't have to make that choice. I am sure I will feel more free not needing to do that, but I'll have to find a new scripture study time! :)

4 Months Old

How I wish I was posting real life pictures of a 4 month old right now. But alas, my life still is what it is and is not what I expected. Pierce has officially been gone as long as he was here. That is crazy. Today we celebrated Pierce's "birthday" by having a picnic with him at the cemetery. I figure if he was here he would probably love being outside in the nice weather and so we enjoyed it underneath the tree next to his spot. (on our own spot, which is just weird)

I love just hanging out there and letting the kids just hug his temporary headstone, play on the wall and look at everyones cool things.(pinwheels usually, we've gotta get a nice one for P)

Today Koen showed us where he wants to be buried. It kills me that these are things he thinks about. Only kids who have really experienced death know where they want to be buried, make headstones for their pet worms and talk about when we are resurrected everyday. This is his spot. He laid there for a good 10 minutes.

Lately I have been mourning the things I wont get to do with Pierce. I remember one day soon after we knew Pierce wouldn't make it, we had taken Koen to see Cars 2. Phil got teary eyed and said something along the lines of being so sad that we would never do that with Pierce.We had similar conversations about him being baptized, receiving the priesthood, watching him play sports, etc etc. What I didn't think about was all the baby milestones. As I watch other babies born around him become more alert, and smiling and cooing I can't help but be sad I cant see those things. I want to see him eat solids for the first time, crawl, laugh, walk etc etc etc. The problem is that even if Pierce was here he likely wouldn't have been able to do those things. I guess it is mourning the Pierce I planned for. Oh, the process this grieving thing is....

Well little lover, hope you joined us for the picnic. We miss you everyday. Not a day goes by we don't talk about you and wish you were here! Happy 4 months! We love you!

Funny...

I have to start out by writing that every week at church it seems there is something "just for me." Sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is emotional, sometimes just nice to hear and sometimes all of the above. We debated a little bit about going to our own church yesterday since Phil's brother was blessing his baby and we would be attending their church for that. We decided since we could attend both meetings we may as well. It was definitely meant to be for us to be in our own sacrament.

We had a High Council speaker. I would be lying if I said I look forward to those but from the moment he started talking I knew it was going to be good. His talk was about the Holy Ghost. For sure a good topic for us right now with trying to find comfort and making decisions about the future. He gave a few stories that were really interesting, but the one that hit home was his experience in having a baby pass away from SIDS. The tears flowed in amounts that would make you think I was dumping buckets down my face. I just hung my head so my hair covered and quietly sobbed. The interesting thing was I didn't feel the pain when I was crying. I was sad. Sad for him and sad for me, but I didn't get the knots in my stomach like usual. Afterward Phil thanked him for his talk and told him how much we needed it. I am really glad we went to both churches.

Now on to the funny story...Shortly after the funeral my sister in law who is single was in Relief Society, the lesson was on Eternal Families. Of course the closing song was Families Can Be Together Forever. She started crying because that song was sang the day we blessed Pierce and his cousins sang it at his funeral. We laugh about it because she says she is sure everyone thought she was crying because she is single.

Well a similar thing happened to me yesterday. Our Relief Society lesson was on Post Mortal Life. I knew this before hand as I had 1- read my lesson and 2- my mom taught this lesson in her ward a few weeks ago. I thought it might be hard but was actually really looking forward to hearing someone else's input on this topic since I have been trying to read up on it all I can. Well my brother in law was trying to get into our clubhouse because we were doing there after blessing get together there and our key wouldn't work. So about 10 minutes into the lesson I get up and leave. As I am walking out I am thinking... I am sure everyone thinks I am leaving cause I cant handle the lesson. I don't know why this bugs me. I feel like if that were the real reason why I left then it wouldn't be a big deal but since it is not I feel embarrassed. I feel like I don't want people like judging my grief or something. Weird I know... Anyway it just reminded me of Missy's story and made me laugh.

A few random thoughts....
*I started insanity workouts today. WOW...they are pretty intense. Hopefully doing them I will be able to lose the 10lbs hanging around!
*I deleted my Facebook. A lot of people have asked about it or said they couldn't find me...that is why. :)

Brigs-2 years old!

Brigs also had a birthday a few months ago so we ought to get down some things about this wild child at 2 years old. Now when I say wild child I am REALLY NOT Exaggerating. He is still intense as ever, but on top of that he has the prettiest blue eyes and a dimple that is to die for. It helps even him out! ;)

stats at 2(late June):
weight: 24.1 7%
height: 32.09 in 7%

He is still little! Judging off his height at two he will only be 5'4....whoa could that really be right? We shall see.

B at 2!
*he loves nothing more than popsicles, treats and milk. These words are often screamed multiple times a day and when I say "no, Brigs you have to eat breakfast(or any other meal) first he often retaliates with a hit and or "no befist"
*Brigs is a hitter. It is so obnoxious. Koen never hit a thing. This little man hits everything. He is now getting that he will have to sit in the corner if he hits so he winds up and then "pats" you.
*He has also started biting inanimate objects when he is mad, and squeezing his fist and "urgh"ing eek.
*He is talking up a storm. He says anything and everything he wants to now. I love  his little voice...when it is talking and not screaming.
*he is "my way or the highway" and there are no distractions with him. If he wants something he will ask, scream, cry for a very long time, if the answer is no. It is out of this world.
*He loves to "awside pay" (outside play) all day! He loves riding his trike but wouldn't wear his helmet and there for couldn't ride his strider, until a few weeks ago. He now loves it and looks adorable in it.

*He likes to go potty. He goes everytime you put him on there. I am just a little scared to go full force because he is so head strong. I am really on a learning curve trying to figure out how to parent this little man.
(he WAS doing so good, no he screams "no potty" and "no chalkit" because he gets chocolate for a treat...little stink.
*he has been the strangest teether(& hardest) ever! He just barley got one of his front bottom middle teeth! It will be a glorious day when the 2 yr molars come in and we are done. He is far less than a happy camper when teething.

*he loves to play the Wii. He says "wii up" (hook the wii up) or "cars wii" like 100 times a day. And he says "cars wii ahoo" when it comes on because it says "Mario Cart Wii wahoo" so cute.
*He is fearless in the water. He jumps off the side with his little life jacket on and swims around all by himself. He wanted to go off the diving board at the Murray pool...excuse me?

*he is borderline anorexic. Phil swears he needs a feeding tube. I think he stocks up. Eats a lot one day so he doesn't have to do more than drink milk the next.
*He loves wearing other people shoes, necklaces, glasses and goggles!

*he loves to sing. His favorites are I am a Child of God, Twinkle Twinkle, clean up (keem up) and recently Pierce's lullaby. I didn't know he knew it until a few days ago he was singing it with Koen's cd. so cute.
*When you tell him to get in the car he plops him self in the middle seat in the middle row(where there is no carseat) and sits so quietly hoping you wont make him get in his real seat...ya right!
*He says "hi piews" every time we pass the cemetery.
*He has the best laugh ever. Hanging upside down, hiding, and kisses through the crib rails really get it going.
*He loves being involved in whatever you are doing. ex: cleaning, cooking, yard work, computer etc

*LOVES Koda. He is always hugging him, sitting on him and bossing him around.
*He can count to 7
*He loves to jump! He jumps off the stairs everytime we come down them. Me helping him jump off the wall at the cemetery.

*My favorite things he says are:
-"wook at me mom"
-"chy gen" (when he screams for something and I tell him "try again")
-"oh" so innocently and cute whenever you tell him something, even like get out of the road..."oh"
*favorite foods are any fruit, cheese, yogurt, and breakfast foods. He'll do the occasional nuggets, macaroni and cheese and hotdogs, but they are hit and miss.

He is quite the handful and makes me more than a little crazy most days but I sure do love him. He is teaching me the true meaning of patience. Its hard to be bugged with him too long with his cute voice and big dimple.

pictures

I have the hardest time looking at pictures of me when I was pregnant with Pierce. I feel like usually you see those and think "so glad that is not me anymore." For me I miss when it was just me and him. He wasn't sick, he was happy, healthy and alive, inside me. All I knew was that I had another little boy to hold and to love. I knew nothing of this pain and sadness, and had no idea that I would. I think if I have the chance to be pregnant again I will love every second of that time with my baby. That may be the majority of the time I have, just like it was with Pierce. I miss having him to so close and keeping him safe. I miss him. I am having the hardest time quitting pumping. So many people have told me "you need to stop, just let that all go" but it is the only thing I have left of him. It helps remind me he was real.

2 months

2 months have passed since I last held my little baby. These days are always interesting. The days of his birth and of his passing. A little bit harder than normal, a little bit more thinking about the way I thought things would be, and generally just a little bit sadder.

I feel like I may be transitioning out of the mad stage. I have felt really mad for the past two months. Mostly just mad that this happened to me. Mad that my plans aren't going accordingly. Not that I would ever want this to happen to anyone else, but seriously ME? I have found myself accepting over the past few days that things are not going to change and that being mad and feeling like poor picked on me isn't really helping. Now instead of saying "it's not fair" and "why me?" I have moved on to "it is stupid" everything is just stupid. haha I know it isn't much better, but at least I am realizing it isn't supposed to be fair right? For now I feel like I am ok to think it is dumb. It is dumb that things like this have to happen to anyone. Hopefully next I will move on to fully accept the unfair and the stupid. ;)

I have often thought how grateful I am to have my other two kids. I cant even begin to imagine if I didn't have them to distract me and to love on. However, sometimes I find it really hard to grieve with them around. Somedays I want to just lie around and cry but that really isn't an option. Somedays I just want to read other mom's blogs who have lost babies and see how they deal with, realize they feel that same way I do. BUT I don't want to feel like my kids are getting the shaft and that I am not enjoying every moment with them. It is just hard to sometimes. Somedays I was to just feel bad for myself that I lost a baby and not have the "at least you have two other kids" comments. Having 2 other kids doesn't change the fact that I miss the 1. I miss Pierce.

Which is what it really boils down to lately. I just miss him. I want to hold him. I want to rock him. I want to sing him a lullaby. I want him to cry all night long and keep me up. I want to nurse him. I want to smooch him. I just want and miss him. It is really hard for me to think about how that doesn't really go away. It isn't like i'll just wake up one day and not miss him. Will I really ache and miss him forever? That seems somewhat unbearable.

My mom had this sweet picture of her and my dad with Pierce on her blog. I had never seen it. Make it big and look at his cute little face.
Sure love you buddy!

Talking, writing and running

Those 3 things are the best places for me to get out my emotions.

Sunday night Phil and I talked for hours. It was so nice. He had such a busy week last week and we hadn't had much time to sit down and just talk. Talk about where we are in our grief process, where we want to go next, how bad this situation sucks, but how grateful we are for each other. That is HUGE understatement. I am beyond grateful for Phil! I cant imagine what my life would be like without him in it. I am so lucky. So lucky he doesn't get sick of seeing me well up with tears, hearing me try to talk through sobs, or comforting me through it all. I love him.

My blog is a huge outlet for me. I love writing. Sometimes I don't feel like I want to talk through sobs. It really just isn't that fun, but writing through sobs...no sweat!  It helps me get all my feelings out there. The good bad and the ugly. I just have to try not to think about who may  be reading it...;)

Yesterday morning I went for a run. My usual route takes me past the cemetery where Pierce is buried. I always blow him a kiss as I go by. For some reason yesterday as I ran past listening to viva la vida by Coldplay and looking at his temporary headstone sitting there I felt really happy. The last few times I have been to the cemetery I have been a bucket of tears, so it was nice to run by, think about him, and feel happy.

So... this week has started out a million times better than last.  I have yet to have any anxiety this week! yahoo! For that I am HAPPY!

Our last pics of as a family of 5!

The photographer took some pics of our family before the boys left. I wanted a somewhat professional picture with our family of 5. I cant believe I only have a total of 3 pictures with all 5 of us, and not a single one of the 3 boys together. I remember when I first told my mother in law I was having another boy, she said "oh I love pictures of 3 little boys" I wish there was someway to have one, but with how fragile Pierce was I didn't think it was a wise choice to have an unrestrained 2 year old that close to him. :/

Pictures TUBE FREE

Thanks to a friend of Phil's aunt we were able to get some pictures of the handsome little guy with out tubes.  I loved seeing his whole little face for the first time. He didn't want to keep his little eyes closed for the shoot...didn't want to miss a thing. :) Oh I miss that cute little face. Wish I could give him a big smooch right now!