A BIG mix of emotions

As of late this is what I have been. One big mix of emotions. 1 day I am totally fine, excited, regular and then the next I am a hot mess of will she live, will she die, will I have a little time, a long time.... ANY time. Wow. What I would give to live through a naive pregnancy again. Really though my pregnancy has been picturesque. I really feel like it has been the ideal pregnancy. For sure my easiest. my most enjoyed. my most active baby. my most active pregnancy. blood incompatibility perfection. It really has been great. But the closer we get to D day, the more REAL things get.

In 6 weeks we will be a family of 6!!! What will that look like for us? I can't help but wonder, will be be a family of 6 that still looks like a family of 4? I seriously hope not.

I am so lucky that when I worry and wonder I can easily get her to cooperate and move around and ease my nerves a bit. I just got a little kick counter thing on my phone and usually it says things like "14 kicks in 9 minutes." My doctor told me to shoot for 10 in an hour. I hope that is some sort of indicator that she is indeed healthy. That her muscles work and she can move and breathe unlike her Angel brother.

I've had such mixed emotions about her nursery and buying things for her. The first time I bought a few things I had anxiety the whole rest of the day. When I went downstairs to see what I had the other night it all fit in a box 8 inches wide by 12 inches deep. I told Phil he is saving a lot of money. I am pretty sure if Pierce would have been a girl things would have been quite a bit different. I have gone in her nursery, envisioned things I want to do and buy but have promised myself to wait on. It's hard though because I get that nesting bee in my bonnet and I want to get things done!

Then I remember how painful it was putting clean fresh clothes away that were meant to be worn by my brand new baby. My brand new baby who never graced his nursery. My brand new baby who went back to a different home than what we planned. We closed the door to the nursery for months. Then I wonder if that was healing to clean out his stuff, maybe I would want that. Maybe I would want to remember that I planned on her too. That I had hopes and dreams of bringing her home. It is really just so hard to know.

People always ask "are you so excited for a girl?" and it's such a weird response that conjures up in my head. Of course I am. I have ALWAYS wanted a little girl. But it is so tainted. Tainted by fear. I am less concerned with her gender and much more concerned with her health. It's almost like all the girly stuff I see, somewhere subconsciously I always end up thinking that wont make it into my house, onto my baby.

Surprisingly though, I do feel well bonded with her. All though I can definitely tell I go through spurts of guarding my emotions, trying not to get overly excited or not to plan on too much. The other day I was just thinking and thought "I am so excited for whatever time I have with her, even if it is 48 days like I had with Pierce." And then I thought "What if she is still born and I have no time!" Dearly beloved. The thoughts that just come with no warning. :/ I really have surprised myself with how well and how easily I have been able to talk myself down. Remind myself I have no control over it. What's going to happen is going to happen whether I worry about it or not. We are doing all we can.

The other day I was holding Koda, our dog and he was nuzzling into my belly. I was thinking about what dogs know and/or sense when change is coming. I feel like he knows. Then it occurred to me that Koda never knew Pierce. He doesn't even know he exists. He never got to bug him and sniff him like he does to every newborn baby that he comes in contact with. I totally started crying. HA. I know this is beyond silly. I even laughed after I started crying because it was so funny to me, but sad at the same time. He doesn't even know we added a member to our family. And neither do other strangers we meet. To them we are a family of 4.

It is funny being pregnant and crying over silly things and realizing it even while you are crying. Awe good ol hormones. haha I can't believe how close we are getting. But at the same time 6 more weeks of wondering, hoping, worrying, praying and waiting seems like a long time. We are just trying to take it in stride. Enjoy the ride.

Lava {Olsens}

We headed back to Lava a short 7 days after we had been there before, and really non of us minded. We love Lava. When we go with Phil's family it is quite a bit different. We stay at a nice big house outside of town and really spend a lot of time doing activities there. We still get to do the things in town but get a different feel being on the outskirts. The house we stay at has a huge grassy yard with volleyball and fire pits and tons of room for the kids to roam, it really is perfect.

We spent the first day at the pool. Koen and Kade spent most of their time going off the 1st platform. I was at Brigs beck and call watching him do whatever he pleased and Phil was working on his new swim technique.

We really spent the whole day, it was so nice. We only left to get some lunch in town and some icecream and then we just hung out.

The next day we did the Olsen Carnival. We each brought a game for the kids to do and it turned out so fun.
We had a game where you tried to get the Oreo from your forehead to your mouth with out hands. Oddly enough I was a natural. My kids where sure happy because they got first pick of the prizes!

 Next we had a little hot potato. Brigs was running seriously low on sleep and was less than thrilled when the potato popped on him. haha

Next a soda pop toss

Then there was balloon darts with activities in the balloons. Lots of pies in Brady's face and dads covered in silly string! Brigs was also not a fan of doing this so I had to give him a little help silly stringing Phil.

A game that I have no clue of the name! haha You can get the idea from the picture.

The kids earned tickets from each activity and at the end they got to turn their tickets in for a ball toss. Every ball the got in the bowl Grandpa got a bucket of water dumped on him!

After everyone washed up the kids decorated sugar cookies! Such a fun carnival!

The boys took most of the kids and ran the river a few times later in the day. And sad for us we once again had to leave early because of work and school. So we left that night after dinner! Thanks Olsen's for a fun trip!

Swimming with Sisters

Kirst, Nae and I met up at the WJ pool the week after Lava for a sun filled swimming day. We had a great time. I was even able to pick Koen up from school and bring him back so he could swim too! Love these kiddos!

A day at the lake

For the first time we headed to Black Ridge pond aka Herriman Lake. Thanks to Jace for having a birthday our kids had a great time spending the day there! Phil loved swimming laps and even Brigs floated across the lake with him one time. (in his life jacket) So much fun, we will for sure be going back!

Lava {Lovell}

This year we were back at Lava for our family trip. Last year we didn't go because we all headed to Disneyland instead. Lava Hot Springs is such a fun place to have our little get together. We get to do all our favorites of swimming, river rafting, hanging out and eating good food. What's better? Of course I did not take a single photo but thanks to my sis, I have a few.  Phil and I had to sneak out a couple days early. :( Darn this managing 2 stores makes him a busy man! We did have a great time while we were there!

 Mom was seriously having too much fun spraying the tubers! haha

Feeling Grateful

Today I am feeling very grateful for everyday I get to keep little miss inside. I have seen lots of women on baby center who have already had their babies and are doing the whole NICU thing. I have a friend who is in preterm labor with her twins who is a few weeks behind me. I am so glad lil miss is staying put and things have been going so smoothly.

I honestly feel confident in saying this has been my easiest pregnancy. I am sure perspective plays a big role. I try hard not to let the little things bug me and just enjoy it. But really I feel so good. I am so grateful that I am still able to exercise and run. Even when I run and it isn't very fun I am so glad I still can.

I am just feeling really grateful for a great pregnancy so far.

Back to School

Can't believe it is barley August and school for us is in full swing!

Koen started 2nd grade this year and so far everyday is the "best day of school ever!" He has a brand new teacher and she is super cute, I think he likes her too. ;)

Brigs started Pre-K today with his best friend Cora. Boy was he excited. Ever since he turned 4 he has said "now I can go to Cora's school!"

I now have 2 1/2 hours to myself 3 days a week. I am going to enjoy it because it wont last long....8 weeks to be exact. Then Koen goes off track and baby comes shortly after!

30 weeks!

I am just a couple days shy of 30 weeks pregnant with little sis. Only 8 or 9 weeks left to go! Single digits seems a little crazy! This pregnancy has gone by relatively fast and has been really easy. Every time someone asks "how are you feeling?" I think and say "great." :) I don't know if it is because of what happened last time that I am just trying to enjoy it more or because this will likely be our last but I really only have minor complaints. Here's whats been up with us...

*I just hit the 20 lb weight gain. I am almost right on track with my weight gain with Brigs (which was what I was hoping for, 24lbs total) I am up 2lbs from where I was at 30 weeks with him.

*This little girl is active. I have been feeling consistent daily movement since about 16 weeks. Whenever I get worried I lay on my side and she starts going to town. So comforting. I love feeling her move. Sometimes I laugh at myself because I get such a big smile on my face when I stop and just pay attention to her dance parties. :)

*She likes to kick and or bounce on my cervix. Something I have never felt before. haha Not the most enjoyable, but I'll take whatever movements she is willing to give.

*Hiccups! Holy hiccups! I don't remember Pierce or Brigs having them super frequent but this little girl is like her big brother Koen! She gets the hiccups multiple times a day.

*I am still running. I have been able to get in between 10-15 miles a week still, which is great. Sometimes my runs are perfect and fine and other times I feel like I weigh 500 lbs and am breathing through a side ache the whole time. I am just happy to be running. My mom recently asked me "What does Myla do while you run?" and I said "she sleeps. :) Then when I stop she bounces around." I joke that when she comes out she is going to need some serious bouncing to simulate my running, haha.

*I have started having heart burn more regularly over the past week or so. I am still just taking tums and trying to watch what I eat. I have noticed I get it from spicy food, white flour foods, candy, and a lot of desserts. Looks like clean eating is in store for the remainder of this pregnancy.

*I have notices my lack of coordination and speed in Zumba lately. I often find myself tripping over my feet, they just don't move as fast as they use to!

*Still not really wearing maternity clothes. I think I've decided they just aren't for me. :) I did get a couple shirts this time which have been nice. I realized as I started getting bigger my baggy shirt wardrobe didn't sport the bump very well. So I opted for some more fitted maternity shirts. Other than that, lots of dresses, skirts, leggings and I have plenty of pants that still fit.

*My Anti E levels have remained stable at a 1:4 ratio. I was worried they may have gone up this last time just because it was around now they went up with Pierce. So far so good.

*My doc said we could schedule anywhere from October 2nd on. We will keep an eye on my Anti E levels and go from there but I am hoping for the 10th.

*Pregnancy in the summer is for sure a different ball game. Holy hottness! haha I am a hot person regularly but wow. I am fine in my bathing suit at the pool or in the AC! haha I don't remember the last time I A-slept with covers or B-had the shower temperature above the midway point.

*At 22 weeks I had a 3-D ultrasound at MFM. They gave me this sweet picture of lil sis. :) At that appt they also told me they didn't think it was necessary for me to have visits there anymore. Because she is growing right on track, her activity is great and my blood levels have remained stable they would just follow me through Dr. L.

*The farther a long things get the more times a week/day I have to remind myself to calm down. :) I am for sure getting more nervous and anxious to know what is going to happen. In so many ways I can't imagine actually bringing home a baby. That's the reason the handful of things I have bought are in the basement, tags attached, receipts near by. And that the room is just that, a room. Not a nursery for my sweet baby girl, yet. At the same time though it is hard to picture going through the same thing again. The other night in Brigs' prayers he prayed that his "little sister will be healthy so she doesn't die." When he said it tears came to my eyes but then I just nodded, that really is what we all hope for. ♥