Gratitude all Month

I have seen many people do the gratitude posts through out the month of November and I thought this would be an extra great thing for me to do. Right now I tend to sometimes think more about "poor me" than all the things I am blessed with so this month I am going to think of something every day I am grateful for. Instead of a new post everyday I am just going to add them to this one.

Day1: My kids. Even on days where Koen is grounded (today) and where Brigs is out of control (everyday) I am so grateful they are mine. I am so glad I get to be their mom. That I get to teach them and they get to teach me. That I get their big kisses and sweet hugs. That they are wild and fun and naughty and crazy all rolled into one. They are pretty awesome and I am really lucky.

Day2: Breathing. It is such a simple thing we almost all take for granted every day. I will however never forget how grateful I am to be able to breathe. Free and easy, with no help. Pierce couldn't. It is bizarre to me how a body can look SO perfect but be missing that vital function. I am recovering from a head cold and I wasn't able to breathe well through out it. I am glad that isn't the normal for me. I am glad I have lungs and muscles that function properly so I can breathe.

Day3: Family. We spent the night with my side of the family tonight and had such a great time. While we did my sister in law Britton babysat. I have the best family on both sides. They are so fun and so helpful. They were great with the whole Pierce thing and offered us so much love and support. I couldn't ask for better.

Day4: Music. I LOVE music. Most kinds and I wish I could listen to it all day long. Unfortunately when I turn on music it often gets turned to Transformers or Power Rangers theme songs which hang down around the bottom of my list. :) I love dancing around the house to music. I love feeling the spirit from music. I love knowing every word to a song. I just love it. My current top CD picks are Adele, Demi Lovato and Katy Perry.

Day5: Good neighbors. This morning we had a breakfast with our activity days girls and their moms. A couple of my close neighbors have girls in our group. After the breakfast we just sat around and chatted. I seriously have the best neighbors. They were amazing this past summer and I am so glad we live where we do.

Day6: Food. What else could make you grateful for for food like fasting can? I haven't fasted a lot in the last few year because I have been pregnant or nursing, so it has been hard for me to get back into it. I LOVE food. I am glad we have so much variety and glad I dont have to go hungry. :)

Day7: Internet. Mostly for blogs and email today but everything else is wonderful too. I am just so glad I have a place to record the things we do and my thoughts. I love reading back about things we did and reliving them a little bit. It has also been a great place for me to work through my grief. It is bitter/sweet to read back through Pierces and life and the first few months of my grieving but I am SO glad I have it. Email is amazing too. Isn't it great we can get/send whatever we want so easy? Phil's grandma sent daily emails during Pierce's life and that would not have been possible with out the internet.

Day8: Generosity. As in from other. We have had so much geared toward us in the past few months. From friends, family and mere aquatints. It is really humbling. I have learned a lot about selflessness and Christlike love. Thank you.

Day9: Friends. I am so glad I have such nice friends. I have a lot of really good ones. Thanks for being my friend.

Day10: WONDERFUL husband. Wow he is pretty much the bomb. It is crazy how you get to know different parts of people through experiences. I am so grateful for the man Phil is. He is such a strength to me. I am grateful that even though I am leaving today I know my kids will be in the best hands. He is the best dad.

Day11: Girls Trips For husbands who watch kids. Friend who go. People who plan it. People who cook. For the break from life. :)

Day12: Memories/pictures. Today is 4 months since P passed away. I am so glad I have my memories of him. I can't imagine if I didn't have pictures. They help reinforce those memories. I love the feelings they can evoke.

Day13: Primary Children. Why is the Primary program so cute? Why am I on the verge of tears the whole time? Their sweet little innocent selves singing about things that are of utmost importance just makes my heart sing and my emotions go crazy. :)

Day14: Sleep. I love to sleep. Literally love it. Today my kiddos let me sleep in somewhat. It was so so nice. Now if only I had a baby cramping my sleeping style. ;)

Day15: Money. I know it is such a monetary thing, but I feel like we have been pretty blessed in this dept. I am so glad that Phil currently has a good job and that we have the money to buy the things we need and a lot of things we want.

Day16: My Calling. I am an Activity Day leader and I literally love it. It is my most favorite calling. I love doing little activities with the girls and getting to know them. We currently have 9 girls and they are each so different and special. I really just love it.

Day17: Entertainment. Today I saw Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1. I just think it is so fun to have fun things to go do. I love just getting out and doing something that is just for fun. Fun it was. :)

Day18: Showers. Or should I say running water in general. I am so glad I have running water and a warm shower. The shower is such a nice break from a hectic day or a get me goin first thing in the morning. Seriously one of my most favorite things.

Day19: Temples. Today Phil's little sister went through the temple for the first time. I feel so grateful to have a place to go to get away from the world and feel the spirit. It was such a special day with Phil's whole family in the temple except one brother. I like to think that we may have had a few other visitors too, like Phil's Mom and Mr P. :)

Day20: Church. I feel like lately at church there has been a lot of things that are "just for me." I am so grateful for the people who study out their topics and present them so wonderfully. Today the High Council speaker was fabulous. I felt the spirit so strongly as a he talked about fasting and being prayerful. I have learned that just because things we pray for don't always turn out the way we plan or would want our prayers are still heard and answered according to the Lords will.

Day21: Health. I am so grateful that each day I wake up I feel good and healthy. Maybe a little tired, but healthy. ;) I feel so lucky to not have any ailments that plaque me or my family. I think health is something I took for granted before having Pierce and realizing how bad it can be when that is taken away from you. Each day I have a healthy body I will be grateful.

Day22: Laughter. Can you imagine a world without laughter. I love the way it brightens my day, puts a smile on my face and at that moment everything is happy and perfect.

Day23: My house. My Dad has a worker who doesn't have a house and this is just unfathomable to me and my kids. I have never known a time where we didn't have a house and I am so grateful for that. I am glad I have a place to keep me safe and warm. A place to put all my stuff. A place to create memories with my kids. A place to call my home.

Day24: Thanksgiving day!!! I am glad we have a day to sit back and think about all the things we are blessed with. Sometimes it takes a certain day to remember things. I am glad I could take time this whole month to think about my blessing.

Day25: Being a SAHM. I love being home with my kids. Although I cant wait to get my Nursing degree, it isn't because I want to work, I want to have accomplished that. There is no job that seems better to me right now than being with my kids. I love that today we can hang out in our sweats because their is no way we are fighting the crowd, and listen to Christmas music. I love that I get to see all the cute things they do and raise them the way I want. Thank you Phil for supporting me in that. :)

Day26: Prayer. What a blessing to be able to pray when ever we want. I love the comfort that I feel when I offer sincere heart felt prayers. I love that When I pray alone I dont have to worry what anyone else thinks and I can just lay it all out there. I love that I can bawl my way through a prayer and it not even matter because I am saying it in my head. :) Really just so grateful for it.

Day27: Families Can Be Together Forever. Like the song. We sang this at the hospital when Pierce was blessed and his cousins sang it at his funeral. For some reason or another my relief society and ward think it is a great idea to sing it like EVERY week. No joke. We really did sing it today and last Sunday and at least 6 times since Pierce passed away. Although I have to kind of zone out during it, I am grateful for the words and the simple truths it tells.

Day28: Car. Wow who wouldn't be glad they have a car. I know I dont want to walk Koen to school, haul my groceries in my hands home, and you know Phil wouldn't be hip on his commute with out a car. ;) I am glad I have 2 reliable cars that get us where we need to go, fit all our junk and all of us. Ü

Day29: Zumba. I love shaking my booty at Zumba. I love going and taking my mind of things and exercising. Working out and running have been so good for me mentally in the past 4 months. It gives me another thing to focus my mind on and it is a good let out. Too bad it cant be working "so good" for me in the physical dept too. ;)

Day30: BLM's. Not because it is fun to be a part of this club, but for the support and love I have felt from so many other Mom's who have lots babies. It is nice to know I am not alone. Someone else felt how I do. Someone else did it. Someone else made it. Someone else missed their baby everyday. Someone else wishes things could have gone differently. All these someone elses have been great examples to me. THANK YOU!

I really liked doing this. I am blessed with so many things. It is nice to step back and realize them. I decided to repost this at the end of the month.

6 months

Today was a day of ups and downs. I woke up feeling good and excited to spend the day with the kiddos getting out the Christmas stuff. We ended up moving pretty slow cleaning things up and getting ready to get the decorations out. Before I knew it it was 3:30 and I wanted to head over to the cemetery to visit, take down the fall stuff, and put up his new Christmas decor.

I took Koen and our little neighbor Beckham and we did all the above. The wind was out of control so we didn't stay long. My mother in law got me the cute little solar light. I thought it was such a great idea I went and got another one. It will be so nice to still be able to see it in the dark since it gets dark so early. My BF Laura saw the cute little Santa and thought it a must for him. I agree. Looks like I should have cleaned the pumpkin dirt off....too windy and cold. I will next time.

After on the way home Koen asked if we could get some ice cream. I thought that was a good way to celebrate P's 6 month b-day. We went to our favorite little frozen yogurt place. I think it is so weird that P would be 6 months. That is big! If he would have been with us I forsure would have let him try his first little taste of frozen yogurt. Yep, I am that kind of mom. :) I really would have like to do that. To see his face because it would have tasted a little sour.

After we came home and my so sweet neighbor dropped by some balloons and the most adorable cupcakes. These are just perfect because every time I see a rainbow I think of my little man. The song "If I die young" came out around the time this whole ordeal was happening and the song says "Lord, make me a rainbow I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors." Rainbows are pleasant reminders that he is happy, safe and healthy. Today I am beyond grateful for thoughtful people. Thank you Renee for remembering me and Pierce today. I can't even explain how much it means to know people have not forgotten. It also doesn't hurt that they were extra yummy, I'll probably eat another when I am done writing this. Ü

Then we busted out the Christmas decor. What was the first thing I saw in the first box I opened?

Why is so annoying to see things I should be using. It is like walking past the baby isles in stores. It is like an automatic slap in the face "I should be looking at that stuff," "I should be needing to stop there," "I should be using this babies first Christmas hat." "I should be taking the tag off the extra stocking." Instead I packed it all away. 

Last night my sister and I braved the Walmart crowds and did some shopping, beside the people punching each other out(literally, I saw blood) it was rather enjoyable. My sister was picking out some little toys for her 11 month old little boy. For a minute I just felt so annoyed that I wasn't doing the same. I am really gonna miss that little tyke though the holidays. He will be 7 months on Christmas. That should be an interesting day. He would be SO fun right now. Little personality all out there. Oh I want to know it. 

Then my mother in law called and let me know that some of our family has just been given some rough news about their young son. Life is so precious and fragile. Things with kids just hit me so hard. I bawled immediately after she told me. I love their little family so much. After I got off the phone Koen asked what was wrong. I explained it to him and told him we should say a prayer. He said the sweetest little prayer. It is really just so crazy how quickly life can change. Things you never even thought about become part of your norm, and things you took for granted become your most treasured moments. 

I really can't believe how fast time ticks on. 6 months!! I can't even believe he should be that old. I swear I can spot babies his age like it's my job. Plus I always ask to verify. :) haha Like totally out of nowhere too..."how old's your baby?" while walking by. haha 

Also a little random cute thing. Yesterday I was wearing the locket my sister in law gave me that has pictures of Pierce in it. My little niece, Claire, was looking at the pictures and she said "It's just so sad that Pierce had to die, I cry every time I see a picture of him." It is times like that that I realize I love that little kids have no filter. An adult might hold back talking about my sweet boy for fear of making me feel bad, saying the wrong thing or creating an awkward situation. I agree little Clarence, it is sad. She then asked me if I could get her some little pictures like that so she could take them to school and show and tell her friends and teacher about him. Things like that make my heart happy. Ü 

Well Mr. P I sure wish you were here. I want to put that little Santa hat on your cute head. I want to hold you up in church so everyone can see your cute face and hear your cute noises. I want to dress you up instead of a headstone. I love you to the moon and back. XOXO!! ♥ Mom

PS I have lots to post about but I left my camera at my moms....I'll catch up soon. 

November at the P man's place!

I have actually loved being able to decorate his little headstone more now that the permanent one is in. I went to get a little yard stick thing for it at Hobby Lobby and I found that little turkey...Gobbilicious? Are you serious? That is so cute. I couldn't resist. He is pretty much that, gobbilicious.

So, can you believe it has been 4 months? I CAN! haha because it seems like it has been about 4 million really. The thing I think is weird is that 4 months seems WAY to short for how long he has been gone, how long I have felt this grieving pain, and how long I have been missing him. BUT it is absolutely CrAzY to me to think he would be 6 months old next week.

So last Saturday was 4 months since we said goodbye to the little man. I was away at Scrapaway until late in the day. That was the first Angelversary that I haven't been to the cemetery and let balloons go. It is sad in a way, but also good in others I think. It's not like I thought about him any less but I think it is somewhat nice to not focus on that day. For me currently it is painful to think about. Which is also weird because that day, the actual day, wasn't painful at all. It was nothing but peaceful. Ok maybe a little sad, but only for me. I felt so happy for him. I knew that was the best and right thing for him. He was peaceful. He was ready. I felt so guided and comforted during that time. I guess maybe I should think about that instead of thinking of it as sad because I miss him and that was the last time I held him.

Too bad I can't feel that guided and comforted all the time right? I wish that knowing that was what was supposed to happen could magically take away all the pain. I get glimpses of that comfort here and there but I think that is part of the process. How can I grow and become better from this if I am carried the WHOLE way?

Where am I 4 months out. I feel like about 85% I am my "normal" self. The other 15% comes randomally through out the day but usually consists of sadness or anger or maybe both. Why do I still feel so mad some times? Why do I still wish that I could just change things when I logically know that isn't going to happen? Why do I still hate this happened to me? Grrr.

I guess I am glad that I am functioning somewhat normally. I know it can be worse, I have heard plenty worse. I have drive to get out of bed, to play with my  kids, to go shopping, to eat, to do things I enjoy. I just get the random sads/mads for an hour or so a day. Maybe what I don't have is the drive to adjust. I think I just keep thinking about how I wish I was who I was before. Maybe it is the whole acceptance thing. I need to accept this is the new me and make that new me in to someone better than the old one. It is hard not to want my old "nothing bad/hard happened to me" self back. That is it, that is what I am going to work on, accepting the "new me." and dare I say....loving it?

Scrapaway!!!

Love this little retreat! 3 days, 2 nights, 14 girls, 6 delicious meals, and not 1 finger lifted to make any of them! It was so much fun. We laughed and scraped and crafted and card made. I did get quite a few scrapbook pages done but also took a lot of wood crafts that turned out soo cute! We keep thinking each time will be the last since Marci the lady who owns it is trying to sell, but are happy each time we can come back!

Colin Ray

We went to the Desert Star Playhouse with my brother, his wife and my mom & dad to see Colin Ray on Nov 3rd. It was so fun! We had seen him once in concert a few years ago and this was a totally different experience in such a small group. We loved it and had a great night out with some of our fam!

Cruisin the Caribbean!!! Day 7 Grand Stirrup Cay, Bahamas

It was a slight bit disappointing when we got outside to eat breakfast and it was straight up chilly. We had to go back to our room to get our jackets before we tendered over to Norwegian's private island. It was quite the bumpy tender ride too!

We planned on snorkeling but wondered if we would see much considering the weather. We found a place on the opposite side of the island that was calm and Suzi, Missy, Brent and Phil jumped right in. Brady and I were a bit more hesitant(and Brit stayed with us). Neither of us are super water lovers. Brady kept gagging on his snorkel, SO FUNNY.

Then after about 10 minutes I jump in and am trying to get comfortable with my mask and snorkel when I suck in a load of salt water. I literally thought I might drown. LOL. After I made it the 3 feet back to shore (no joke haha) I caught my breath and was ready to go. So I had decided not to wear my flippers cause I felt out of control in them so we get past this like 6 foot stretch of deep into water that is like 3 feet deep with 2 feet tall stuff. EWW! It was so gross. So we were like swimming with it rubbing our stomachs. So after we are out there like 5 minutes we see a jelly fish, from then on I was sure I was stung. LOL I swear I am not a hypochondriac but I had this stinging thing on my leg and I was pressed. After about 10 minutes and not even meeting up with the rest of our group we were told we couldn't snorkel over there. All that for nothing. haha

So then we headed to the main beach and snorkeled for a bit. We did find a few places with some little fish but nothing great. Then we dried off and ate lunch. Since it is their island they bring out a whole buffet which is nice. Then we had a nap on the beach, in our sweat shirts!!! Not ideal. We then decided to go for a hike around the island to see what we could find. It was a pretty little walk and it is a rather big island. They have a lots of plans for it, but it sure takes away the tropical feel when you see bulldozers and stuff. haha

On the far other side of the island we found a nice calm area and Phil and Brent jumped back in for some snorkeling. It was a little creepy that we found two abandoned snorkels and masks there. I am sure it was against the rules to be snorkeling over there but the boys said it was worth it.

After we got back to the ship and got ready we went to Tepenyaki for dinner. We all decided it would be fun to take Grandma and Grandpa out for their anniversary. It was fun to have our whole group there at one table in a different environment. Now Tepenyaki is my VERY favorite restaurant but this was not quite the same as what we have here. The soup was so not good that one bite was all I could handle. They had a seaweed salad which was good but not comparable to the one here that I swear I could drink the dressing. And of course we all dressed in ORANGE!

 I also thought it was interesting that they threw egg in your mouth instead of shrimp and from REALLY far away. haha The meat, rice, veggies and noodles were all a little different too but really good.  They also had a little fruit platter with some dip for dessert that was scrum.

The two staff members we had talked to the night before had a cake made for Grandma and Grandpa and sang "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" to them. Super cute and a super yummy cake!

We played some games that night and then Britton, Brady, Missy, Phil and I went to play in the game Quest. It got a little crazy and ultimately we weren't able to win with our conservative play. :( Still fun though. We also had to have one last hurrah and got some things to eat at the sports bar before retiring!

Such a fun cruise, cant wait till the next one! :) :) :)

Cruisin the Caribbean!!! Day 6 sea day

Wow, can I please be done writing about my cruise. I mean really it is fun to see how much fun we had but should it really be drawn out over 3 weeks? I am finishing it tonight!

So another sea day. I literally did not take one single picture during the day. Who needs pictures of me laying out on the boat really? That is what we did pretty much all day after hitting the gym. I don't ask for much more...sun, chair, and some tunes. Good company is an added benefit.

That evening we ate at the seven seas for the last time. I really enjoyed all the food we had. I didn't have anything that was extra stand out as far as a main dish all though I did have some good curry. The endless options, ice cream and pretzel rolls make it all worth it. :)

We also went to our last show. It was rock and roll and had a couple of the different bands on the ship along with the previously mentioned dancers. It was good, but what was even better was the lady sitting just down from us. She was obviously a little tossed, standing up dancing and waving her arms all while wearing a net bathing suit cover up. At one point she ran toward the stage and we all thought she was gonna get up there with em but she didn't. darn.

After we chatted with a few of the higher ups on the trip. We were rather well known with our orange shirts, constant participation and Grandma and Grandpa's 69th anniversary. Phil loved talked to the lady from Uruguay. We got them to snap a pic for us. 

I also failed to note that we played lots of dice this trip. It was really fun. Grandma and Grandpa are such little night owls. I can't remember when we played, because it was frequent but judging off the outfits here it looks like we did that night. FUN FUN. 

Cruisin the Caribbean!!! Day 5 Ocho Rios Jamacia

Since we missed our stop in Grand Cayman we switched up what we did. We were supposed to be doing this....

(Which I am not gonna lie, I was a little nervous about. But I still want to...maybe in Costa Rica.)

But instead did this....

I have wanted to swim with dolphins for what seems like my whole life. We were going to go in Orlando last year but none of our other friends really were down. I told Phil it was a MUST for this trip. When our plans got cancelled in Grand Cayman, I was up and at it to switch to a dolphin swim and ride ASAP. 

When we got off the boat here it was pretty intense. It reminded me of our ports in Europe. It was hoppin, vans EVERYWHERE and crazy driving. 

I am sure everyone was dying to get off the ship since we missed our other stop. We first went to dolphin cove where we swam and played with a dolphin! SO MUCH FUN! She danced around for us, gave us a ride, waved, shook her head to questions, gave us kisses and then her dad fetched a ring and jumped SO high out of the water. It was really so much fun.

After we swam with the dolphins we got to hold a stingray. I am glad we got to do that because we were going to swim with them in Cayman. I am sure that would have been much cooler, but this will have to suffice. 

They had a few little shops in the Dolphin Cove so we looked around there and then found a little beach and pier with some lounge chairs. So we sat back and relaxed for a bit. 

We then went to the famous Dunn's River falls in Jamaica. I have to get all these pics from Phil's aunt and her water proof camera. It was a 600 ft water fall and was really fun to climb up. There was a part where they did a little slide and another where they had you fall straight back in. They had Phil and I fall in together. They said "kiss her...slip the tongue in" What the heck?!? Did he really just say that? He even said it to Phil's parents. LOL. I can't wait to see the pictures. here are some strangers doing it for now...

They had lots of shops to look through here. I feel like I wanted everything. haha We had read that they were pretty pushy here, it was true, although I didn't actually mind. I am pretty good at saying no if I am not interested. When we first walked into the falls one guy asked where we were from. When we answered "Utah" he said "go Jazz" and then told Phil to come give him 5, where he proceeded to put a couple of "free" necklaces on him and then asked him how much he would give him for them. Phil said "I thought they were free." He answered with "well ya but a tip, some people give me 10 some give 20" haha Phil gave him 4. So funny.
I did however get plenty of shopping done here. Lots of jewelry, a t shirt, a bag and Phil got a jersey. I just love that when you ask how much something is they say "$20($30, $40), how much you pay?" I also love that they legitimately say "Ya man" to and after everything. I totally want to do it. :)

We then headed back to the ship and got a bite to eat. We pretty much felt famished going that long with out food. haha We decided just to meet for dinner at the buffet that night so we could just get a little bit of food and then Phil ordered just about everything from the sports bar. We ended up with a HUGE table full of food. I wanted to get a pic with the lights of Jamaica in it, but it just wouldn't work. It was so pretty a jungle full of lights when we left. I love this pic of Grandma and Grandpa as the sun is setting.

 We went to the show that night which I think was the Juggler. He was fairly entertaining. Of course I am eating and ice cream cone. :)