Hindsight is 20/20

I feel like looking back through out my pregnancy I had so many "preparing moments" and warning signs. I hate thinking back now and realizing them. I want them to not be that. I want them to have been a paranoid expecting mother, or the signs of a little content baby, but they weren't and the aren't and they can't be. I hate all those "nt" words

*Pierce was not a big mover in utero. I specifically remember my BF asking me "does he move a lot? you never really talk about it." I answered with a simple "no" and attributed it to him being mellow. I needed him to be mellow, and I was happy he was.
At 19 weeks I hadn't felt him move for 24 hours, I went to the doc where he of course checked out fine.
I always noticed he didn't move as much but thought maybe I was busier, maybe he was chill, or maybe they just weren't huge movements. Now I know that was because his muscles were not very strong.
*Phil loved the name Pierce. I was not sold on it. About 5 weeks after we found out he was a boy I realized I just knew Pierce was supposed to be his name. That was just who he was. I remember telling Phil "I dont necessarily love the name, but I feel like that is what it is supposed to be" I have never had that with my other kids.
*Right before my sister had Rhett she was really nervous about something going wrong. I remember talking to her about it and thinking about if something were to happen to me. Who knew I would the one to have that something  happen.
*I bought a little baby book for Pierce around 30 weeks and thought "maybe I wont open it, just in case" but then thought "oh even if he doesn't make it I will want to record things in a book for him."
*After he came out he hardly made a peep. And he never really did any of the times he was extubated either. I thought "he is mellow" ( I was really sold on this) but he just couldn't.
*They always told us he had "poor tone" I thought he was just fine. He was a baby, what did they want him to do?

We met with Pierce's Nueromuscular doctor on Monday. His results are in. They had 5 tests that were pending. 1 for congenital hypoventilation syndrome, 1 for SMARD and 3 for congenital hypomylenating nueropathy(in the family of CMT). All genes came back normal. This is relieving and frustrating at the same time.
Through out this whole thing we have had NO answers. No reason why our seemingly perfect baby could not breath. Then to be where we are now and still not have any is not ideal. I want to know. I want to know why he couldn't breathe, why is muscles didn't work properly, why he was so quiet, and why he couldn't just stay with us.
No answer for his condition really limits our options for having more kids. Without having a gene to place the blame on there is no way to do invitro with gene selection. BUT we still have the possibility of 1 in 4 having "it" again...or not. They don't know, because they don't know what it is. It could be 1 in a million, but it could be 1 in 4. How do we know what to do? How do we know our own desire to have more kids wont come in over what is really the best choice for our family, or what Heavenly Father has planned for us? It's a lottery, how do we know if we should take the gamble?

3 months of "real life"

It has been 3 months since our little baby came into this world and turned ours upside down. It really seems like it must have been an eternity ago, but judging off where I am in the grief process you can tell it has not been. This is my real life. I have to keep reminding myself, because sometimes it is hard to remember that I am not going to wake up and have been dreaming, I am not going to be able to change things like I wish I could, and I am going to have to accept it, even though I don't want to.

It is somewhat hard for me to even try to place myself back to 3 months ago when I thought I was welcoming another baby to a little bit of a crazy life. I have grown so much since then. I have learned so much. So much I wish I hadn't. I didn't know real pain. I had never lost anyone super close to me. I didn't know the "sting of death." I didn't know how bad it could really hurt.

Today we went to the cemetery to take Pierce some things and visit. Just me and the boys. We took two balloons and some flowers. Koen also picked some of the cosmos out of our front yard to bring to Pierce. Koen wanted to let one of the balloons go right when we got there. He said "this one is for Pierce, and we can tie the other one on his headstone." And so he let it go. Just like we let our little baby go. I cried as I watched Koen comforting Brigs as he cried "bwoon" as it flew away. Then I hugged those little dudes as tight as I could and cried some more. I am so glad I have them. Here on Earth with me. I am so glad I can have Pierce again, to bad it is so stinkin far away. I love my boys!

 Lovely distant picture taken by Koen. The boys bringing things for Pierce.

 Pierce's balloon

 Brigs is still concerned about the balloon.

So glad I have them!!!

Growing up- 5 YEARS OLD!

Koen has been 5 for over two months now but I always like to do a post about them around their birthdays! First here are his stats at 5 years old!

Weight: 41.67 lbs 56%
Height: 44.49 in 78%

He tried so hard to be a brave man getting his kindergarten shots at his checkup. He had to have 5. It was pretty intense, I am not gonna lie. He hadn't had a shot in years and he was not super stoked about it. He did do the hold the breath cry for a second then limped all the way to the car and for the rest of the day...and maybe the next. ;)

Here are some things about Koen at 5 years old!

*He loves his little brothers

He talks about Pierce everyday. He sings to his little buddy, like the music therapist sang to Pierce. He prays for him. He talks about when he'll see him again. He misses him.

He teases Brigs ALL day everyday. They are best friends. He loves to wrestle him. He is great about sharing with him and helping him...most the time. ;)

*He learned how to ride a two wheeler this summer(like two days ago).

He is so proud of himself. He keeps talking about how big he is. He can even drink out of a glass cup. ;)

* He learned how to go off the diving board and has become quite the little swimmer. He even jumped off the high dive in Lava Hot Spring with NO life jacket!

*He has his first mow hawk! And his LOVING IT! 

*He has really started to read over the past few months. 

*He is a big Kindergartner. He said so far he likes it better than Preschool! 

*His best friends are Tessa, Beckham and Kade.

*He is becoming quite the dare devil. He loved Lagoon and the big rides there.

*His favorite colors are red and aqua marine...yes he seriously said that. 

*He wants to stay up late every night to wish on the wishing star

*He loves to catch bugs in his new bug collecting kit that he got a preschool graduation!

*He is going to marry a girl from table 4 names Maddison and Tessa is going to marry Sister Bond's son. haha

He is such a fun and easy going kid. We love having him be part of our family!

Some funny things come out of this kids mouth!

-Sunday he was asked to give the prayer in Primary. He gave a normal great prayer and then for the last line threw in "Thank you that I can ride my bike with out training wheels" and then closed...silly kid

-The other day we had this conversation:

Koen: "Mom what if you could build stairs to Heaven and we could go and see Pierce any time and then just come back" 

Me: "Ya buddy I really wish we could just visit him"
Koen: "I think I could probably build some out of paper."



Yesterday in primary they were learning about the brother of Jared and right before they got to the part where he touches the stones, Koen leaned over to his neighbor and said "this is the best part"


*we had a little friend names Ruby over the other day to play and that night he said "Mom now I am not sure who I am going to marry, Maddison or Ruby" I was like "oh really" He then said his prayers and when he finished he said "Mom, is it ok for me to ask Heavenly Father who I am gonna marry?" LOL I told him he could ask, but since it was really time sensitive he may not get an answer. HAHA


Sure love that kid!

Life changes in an instant.

You always hear that life changes in an instant, but some how, some way think/hope it will never happen to us. I feel like that is what happened to us but more like in a sequence of "instants" from May 25th until July 12.

3 short months ago I was stressing about how I would handle 3 kids. How would I go anywhere? do anything with 3 kids? I couldn't fathom doing anything with both Brigs and the baby. I remember constantly reminding myself that I knew it was time to get pregnant and that things would work out. I could have never imagined them working out like this.

I keep think about how hard it would be if Pierce was here. I know I would be taking it for granted. Telling people how hard it is with Brigs being so crazy and having a newborn. I am sure I would be making sure they knew I didn't think having kids this close together was a great option. I know it would be hard. BUT I hate KNOWING that I would be taking it for granted. I know I would be. Oh how I wish that I could have the knowledge of what I do now. I wish I could know how much harder it would be to say to goodbye to that little baby and to try and go on with out him. I wish I could know all that, but have him here, on Earth, as part of our family.

I dont know why I never think of things going wrong or not as I planned. When they don't it hits me like a ton of bricks. I remember when I was pregnant with Koen imagining this great little perfect birth story, just like everyone else's I had seen or heard. When things did not go at all as I had planned I was fuming. I had to have a c-section? This whole experience was not what I signed up for, and at that moment I never wanted to do it again. Hence the "tie my tubes comments." haha

It has been the same with this whole thing. However I think the ton of bricks hit after the whole ordeal was over, and still comes in tons at random times. It was such a roller coaster. Full of so many ups. So many downs. I know we were being carried through out. I so know that this was Pierce's time to come. I felt that so many times. I know it was his time to go. I felt like we were being guided and walked with the whole time. It is so much harder for me now. Now that the tests have been done, the choices have been made and I have been left with empty arms.

Phil and I always said we would have 3-5 kids. I always kind of thought we would have 2 boys and a girl. I don't know why, just again part of "my plan." I guess I was more on the "3 side" of the 3-5, until I was pregnant with Pierce.  For some reason I kept thinking and talking about how I just "knew we weren't done" and how I "just felt like we would have 5." I don't understand why I would feel like that, when likely we will only have 2, here on Earth. I wish I could have been thinking the whole time "this is our last one." I just feel so unprepared to be done. Unprepared to never be pregnant again, unprepared to never have another baby, unprepared to have a family of only 4.

I recently read(and now want to re-read) the book Angel Children. It was fabulous. Hopefully everyone who saw me reading at the pool didn't see the tears I tried to hide with my sunglasses. ;) One thing that stood out to me, among many, was that is said something to the affect of, if we could see the Lords plan for us, we wouldn't be so set on our own plans. I wish I could get that through my thick skull. haha Or could I maybe have a glimpse of his plan? That might help me out. ;)

Another thing it talked about that hit the nail on the head with me was about having the same peace in my subconscious as in my conscious mind. I totally feel like my mind knows that it was Pierces time to go and is ok with it. My mind says its ok to have two kids and to be happy with that. My subconscious begs to differ. It is still as the book stated "grieving and mourning."

Wow this turned out to be really intense. It seems every few days I just have to get my feelings out there. Some days the anxious, mad and sad feelings overtake the feelings of peace and patience. Today is one of those days. If you see me with puffy eyes tomorrow...you'll know why. ;)

Wonderful, absolutely wonderful!

Our nurses at PCMC were absolutely wonderful! We felt so lucky to be picked up by so many wonderful primary nurses(meaning when they work they would most likely have Pierce.) They were each so different and had individual qualities we loved! They really felt like family and I am missing them now. Here are the three we were closest too!

Chris-
She was one of Pierce's first nurses. Initially she rubbed me a little wrong, but soon she had a special place in my heart. She was very personable. I feel like I know her as well as she knows me. I felt loved and really cared about from her. I know that for some reason Pierce was supposed to be a part of her life. She said she rarely gets attached to babies like she had to Pierce. She was there the day we blessed him and also the day we took him off life support. He was her little "poopy pants" and she became a dear friend to us, and him.

Lynette-
She was the most outwardly loving to our little guy. She was so hands on. I love this about her. She was always doing exercises with him, trying to strengthen his muscles, giving him quality awake time and stimulation and talking to him. I loved that when I would come in she was always there holding his hand and making sure he was comfortable. She definitely went above and beyond.

Rachelle-
Now she was like my little BF up there. She had just come back from maternity leave, having had her 2nd little boy 2 months prior. She was always making sure we got quality time holding him because she knew that was what she would want. I loved having a "friend" to chat with. We talked about pumping, having boys, nursing school and everything else. She was always so sweet to make sure Pierce had some of his "liquid lollipops" if he was uncomfortable or unhappy.

I love these ladies for loving my baby and loving us!

Also on our list of favorite people is our Pediatrician, Tanya Jackson. She also went WAY above and beyond the call of duty! She spent hours talking to me on the phone (every night), listening to me cry, answering all my questions and being our advocate at the hospital. It was so nice to have someone stable though all of this, who we knew before and felt comfortable with. She is so loving and genuinely cares about us and our family. We cant thank her enough for the endless hours she put in. She is absolutely amazing!

Graveside Service

I figured today(exactly 1 month later) was as good a time as any to write about our graveside service for Pierce. We invited our family and some of our closest friends for a small service at Pierce grave.

 That morning Phil and I were able to go over and dress him in his little blessing outfit. We wrapped him in a blanket made by Grandma McBride (which was used during his blessing) and stuffed the extra room in the end of his casket with another made by my Grammie.
Koen really wanted to see him for one last time and had been asking my mom the day before if he could. She explained to him it would just be his body and that his spirit had left but he still wanted to. I told Phil we would see how he looked when we dressed him and decide. He looked so handsome and peaceful. So we decided to do a small viewing. Koen had plenty of things he wanted Pierce to have. We eventually limited it down to ring, family picture, another picture, and his flower pot picture frame that has been a constant companion for Pierce since Koen's first visit.

Phil, Koen and I carried the little white casket out to where the service would take place. Lucky for us our neighbor and best friend Laura took over on Brigs duty.

We started with a song by all of Pierce's cousins. What better song than Families Can Be Together Forever.

Phil's Dad opened the service with a prayer

Phil conducted. He also read Pierce's obituary which I wrote and his blessing.

My sister in law sang Baby Mine accompanied by my nephew Dylan on the guitar

When thinking of who we wanted to speak we could think of no one better than Nana Joan. Pierce's best little friend. She spent nearly as much time as Phil and I did with the little man. I know he loved spending time with her. He recognized he voice and was happy in her arms. She is excellent with words, and lucky for us journaled his whole Earthy journey. She gave a fabulous Eulogy of our precious baby. Thank you Nana!

We then sent off 48 white balloons for each day we were blessed with his presence and each of Pierce's cousins sent of their own blue balloon. We also of course sent off the special "baby" balloon that had been by his little bedside since his first days of life.

 My Dad dedicated the grave. 

Thank you to all the family who came and made us feel loved. The flowers were beautiful, thanks to our parents. Each of the kids had a white rose to put on his casket after the service as well. It was such a beautiful service and the perfect way to honor out little boy. The spirit was there and the love for this baby was so strong. It all felt so surreal, and lots of times it still does. Looking back at these pics brings all those emotions to the surface again.

1 month

I can't believe it has been one whole month since we said goodbye to Pierce. It seems like it has been forever already, which makes it hard to imagine going on years and years.
At the same time though I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember holding him in the wee hours of the morning, smooching his little tube free face. I remember animal planet blaring in the back ground while watch him sucking around on his pass, and I remember the doctors coming into talk to us about taking him home, and Phil letting them know he had just passed. I wrapped his little, cold, perfect body in a blanket and said my last goodbyes.
We headed to the cemetery to make our final service arrangements. I remember thinking "NO ONE should have to pick out burial plots at 26." Definitely not what I had planned for myself.
Koen and I stopped by the cemetery yesterday to visit him. He knelt down and said a little prayer for him. I love that he continues to think of him. It is so sweet. He always prays that he will be "good in heaven" or "happy in heaven." I love it.

I hope you are happy too sweet boy. I miss you and wish you were here more than I could ever explain.
XOXO,
Love,
Mom

When?

When will I be able to see that someone just had a baby and not feel knots in my stomach wondering if that will ever be me again?
When will I read that someone is pregnant and be able to feel total happiness and excitement for them rather than this twinge of anger I currently feel?
When will my arms stop physically aching to hold my sweet baby?
When will my eyes grow dry from all the tears?
When will my mind think of something besides SMARD and if my baby had it and if we are carriers and if we can have kids still?
When will I get used to the idea of only having 2 kids when I thought I already had 3?
When will I stop wondering what Pierce would look like right now? How would he smile? What his eye color would be? What noises he would make?
When will I want to talk about something else, other than my baby?
When will I stop wondering why me? And why couldn't things just work out?
When will I stop feeling sorry for myself?
When will I not have to remind myself everyday that "life isn't fair, and that sucks?"

I know it has only been 4 weeks, but WHEN?

Kerry Sundahl pics of Pierce

Phil's cousins had Kerry come take Pierce's pictures on Monday July 11th. I couldn't be more happy with them. He was so wide awake and alert. We hardly had any pictures where he was awake before these. I love love love them, more than I can say!