Koen's Valentine

For Valentines Phil gave Koen this...

Of course purchased the day after Valentines for a steal of a deal(it was still just as good!:) and Monster Jam tickets. Last Friday the 3 of us went and had a grand time with all the monster trucks.

 I love having individual nights out with the kids. I think Koen loved having us all to himself and we loved giving him all our attention.

P Moments

I have had a few "P Moments" in the last few days that I want to remember.

-I dont know if I mentioned that 2 of Phil's sisters and 1 of their husbands gave the whole family bracelets that say "Pierce is Fierce" at our family reunion in August. My other sister in law had just had a baby and they wanted us to know that no one was going to forget about Pierce. I literally had not taken mine off since I put it on that August night. Two days ago I was changing and the sleeve on my shirt was tight and pulled it off. I almost had a come apart. I literally had to take deep breathes and realize I could just put it right back on. It was really interesting how crazy it made me feel. I made myself a different version around Christmas time that is a little fancier. Same words, just a stamped metal instead of plastic I thought I would replace it for my day to day wearing but really I just can't take it off. It went right back on.

-There is this girl at the gym in our spin class who is pregnant. We have talked a few times and I have found out she is due in May. Almost the same time P was born. Today I asked her again if she was due in May, cause she is so teeny. She said she was and I told her I had a baby in May last year and I was way bigger than that. (see here, she is literally half the size) Anyway, we went on to clean our bikes and she said "Your baby is a good sleeper so you can get here in the morning?" I said "Ya, he is, he is an angel" Inside I laughed because, really he is..an angel. But also because I literally love pretending life is how I thought it would be. It is like when you a kid and you play house. Things go as you want them too. Sometimes I like to play house still. haha She continued to ask a few questions about how many kids I had, and their ages. It was really just kinda fun to pretend.

-Then on the way home I of course pass the cemetery. I thought I noticed yesterday during passing that all the graves were cleared. Today I made a quick turn in to make sure my suspicions were right. They were. It resulted in me bursting out in tears. I haven't been over there for a while. I kept thinking I needed to go and take down his Valentines stuff. Just seeing it all empty is sad. I need to have a zillion things on there so everyone knows how loved my baby is.

GNO

So my neighbors and I were supposed to be headed to NYC for the weekend on buddy passes. Well, the night before our flight pretty much booked and considering there were 8 of us it wasn't going to happen. It was a bummer, but at the same time I think I kinda planned on it. So, last minute we threw together an over nighter with some shopping.

We meet up for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and shopped around Fashion Place during our hour and a half wait(that place is so intense.) We ate yummy food and all got some cheesecake to go.

Brooke, Sherion, Sharie                      Wynde, Alesha, Renee

We headed to Little America down town for the night. We decided to hit up the hot tub for an hour and then settle in with our cheesecake! YUM! (have I mentioned my undying love for cheesecake?) We chatted late into the night and in the morning took our turn getting ready. It took a while considering we decided to sleep all 6 of us in one room since we knew we would be up late chatting. 

We went down to the brunch at the hotel which was delish. Then headed up to Park City for some outlet shopping. 

Nothing like a mini van full of moms ready to get their shop on! hehe We had a great time and had a few good finds. Nothing like a night/day out with the girls. :)

Oh so big!

Happy 9 months baby boy!!!

Oh, how I miss you and long to hold and squeeze you. I love you so so much! 

231

Roughly 231 days Koen has listened to Pierce's lullaby on repeat. (give or take a few when we have slept other places:) Today he decided it was time for a change. Time to move on. He said he was tired of listening to that one same song all night long. It is kind of sad. But happy at the same time. As it is with all things Pierce.

"Over It"

Some days I wish I could just be "over it." I know that doesn't actually happen but some days I wish it did. It is just too much to feel the pain, to cry more tears, to miss so deeply. It just seems easier to be over it. Then I remember that I will never be over it, but it will get easier, as it has, with time. Of course I wouldn't really want to be over it. It is a part of my life, a HUGE part, that I would never want to be completely over. It would be sad not to miss him and not to shed tears that he isn't here with us. But the part I wish could be totally gone is the ache. It is really just painful. I think I could do with out it. But alas I don't think the ache will go away. There is a piece of my heart that belongs to Pierce, and he took it with him. I think my heart will always ache for that piece.

Waves

Grief comes in waves. Some waves are bigger than others and some hit harder. It feels as those most of the time now I am riding soft gentle waves with the occasional large wave. Today is a large wave. I am not even sure why, but I just miss him so much. I had to go cry my eyes out in the shower. I haven't done that in a while. And trust me it use to be an everyday occurrence.

It is such a terrible feeling missing someone and knowing no end to that missing. I think that is what makes it physically hurt for me.  I think even knowing that it would be weeks, months or even years could make the pain less, just putting a time frame on it. But it is unknown. And likely and hopefully in many other aspects will be decades. Thinking about that, just plain old hurts.

There are a lot of things that make me think about the way things are "supposed" to be. They use to hit me hard all the time but now it is more of a shock when they do. The few things that have hit me harder than expected recently are:
-putting Brigs clothes away. Knowing that I wont be getting them out again for a long time, if ever. What I was planning was moving them from one closet to the next.
-Baby pictures of my boys. They are almost painful to look at. But it is like the train wreck you can't look away from. It makes me want SO bad to see Pierce right now. To have pictures of him in all stages, not just 7 weeks and under.
-Today I got out my St Patrick's days stuff. It is in the same bin as Easter stuff. I had to hold back the tears as I looked at the Easter basket I bought last year for little Pierce who was healthily growing in my ever protruding belly. And also the other baskets I bought for what I hoped would be future children.

I had no idea what I would be living in a few short months. No idea. I know it may seem silly for a couple of Easter baskets to make me so sad. However it really is just a stark reminder that things don't go as planned. And they didn't for me. And they still aren't. It isn't like we can just pick up were we left off and "try again." No one will ever replace him. He will always be missing from out little family. It is just bizarre to me how some days I feel at peace with that and others it is just unbearable. Luckily we are having more of the first kind. I know days like today don't last forever. But they sure hurt when they are here.

Happy Valentines!

Happy Valentines from us to you!

 I spent Valentines with two of four of my little loves today. Unfortunately I missed both of the P's today! Phil worked(is currently working) so the boys and I hung out. Poor Koen has a cold, with a nose like a faucet and missed his first elementary Valentines day. Isn't that just sad? So, instead we dropped his valentines off at school and I delivered his neighborhood ones. We did make it out to Chick Fil A for dinner with some other solo mom's which was fun. Luckily Koen seems to be on the up tonight and is already fast asleep, which I am sure will help.

We all festively wore red today, of course! Hope you have/had a FABULOUS Valentines! We did. :) Off to Zumba my night away on the Wii. ;)

PS Randomly found this pic of K & B on Valentines 2010. Brigs is just 3 weeks younger than Pierce would be this Valentines. Wonder if he'd look like B?

Pierce would definitely be sporting that shirt if he was here. 

Can you believe it?

It has been 7 months that I have been dealing with this grief I never before even thought of. I kind of can't believe it. Time just keeps ticking on and in some ways that is happy and in some ways it is sad. The farther away I get from when Pierce was here the more I realize all I have are just memories and he is not consuming my everyday like he use to. I dont want those memories to fade at all and it feels like if I don't relive them everyday they may do just that.

I look at his cute picture on our wall every time I sit at the computer. Does it get much cuter? I can't wait to see him again. I try not to think about how long it will really be and how weird I think it will be (I am sure it wont really, but really?) because it seems far too long. I can't believe that in a few short months he would be one. Seriously? He is almost 9  months. It really is just crazy. I feel like I was just there having a baby, thinking things would be fine, driving to primarys every day, making decisions no one should have to make and sending my sweet baby to Heaven. At the same time it feels like it has already been an Eternity since I held him, touched him, kissed him and looked in to those wise eyes. Crazy how that works.

We miss him every day.  We talk about him everyday. We wish he was here everyday. But we are stronger. We are braver. Our bonds are tighter. Our love is bigger. And it is all because of him. Thank you Pierce. We love you!

Kindergarten Operetta

Cute little Koen has his first elementary school performance. The kindergartners do an operetta each year and this years was Snow White. It was absolutely adorable. Koen was a silly song dancer, where he did awesome, led the group right along in what they should be doing. They danced sillily, of course ;) and then made silly faces, it was quite comical. He also got to escort Snow White and then he had a speaking part.

I love going and watching little kids be so cute. Please tell me why every time little Snow White opened her cute little mouth to sing I almost cried? Seriously? She was so cute. I kept saying "I just want to take her home." Koen was like "Mom why do you want to take Snow White home?" LOL Well, her voice was so pure and cute. Anyway the whole thing was great.

Where is Koen?

Best little friends. Can they please get married? They'd have the BEST wedding video!

These are Koen's best friends at school. Koen said "Riley must have thought the camera was over there!" LOL

This is how Brigs was all night. Needless to say Phil got to see very little of the operetta. Good thing we have it on video. Have I mentioned he is the best husband/dad? He really is. 

Goals-February

So January went good. I did my no sweets and I got my workouts in. Yahoo! I am for sure not carrying over the no sweets but I will say that since Wednesday I have felt sick everyday. I know I feel so much better when I don't eat them, but lets face it I love em! If only I could find some moderation. :) I will however be carrying over my exercise goals. 6 days a week works for me, but if I only get 5 that will be ok too.

So...unto Feb goals...

1-Get 5 servings of fruits and/or veggies EVERYDAY

2-Read my Sunday school and Relief Society lesson every week before class.

3-Take a multivitamin everyday

That's it. So far so good. These are def things I want to keep up long term so lets see how a month goes. :)