Memories

Today I wore the dress I wore to Pierce's funeral. I bought it shorty before he passed away and have only worn it that one time. Today I decided I could wear that dress without bawling my eyes out at it's memories. I succeeded...barley.

I really love fall. 3 out of the last 6 falls I have been pregnant. This time of year reminds me of being pregnant in general. The smell of pumpkin that makes me sick STILL, the wearing of winter clothes that hides that new belly so well. So far the reminders of this have been hard.
*As I pulled out all my winter clothes I remember the last time I wore those with my protruding belly, I doubt one would normally even think of that and if they did they'd be happy the weren't.
*When we got home from our cruise I thought about how last fall when we got home from our cruise we found out I was pregnant.
*While we were at cornbellys I thought about being pregnant last time I was there.
*My mom and I talked about Forgotten Carols and whether or not we went last year and then remembered that was the day we found out Pierce was a boy.
*everywhere I go that is a yearly thing reminds me of how last year I was trying to hide the bump. We don't like to tell people for a while.

So pretty much everything right now is reminding me of my newly discovered pregnancy at this time last year. I think the reason this is causing so may memories is because last year as we did these things, I thought about how they would be different this year with a new baby. The hard/sad/maddening thing is they aren't any different. Sometimes the reality of things comes like a big slap in the face in things you don't really expect.

As I was unpacking my winter clothes I told Phil how that was sad that I last wore them pregnant. He asked "can't that be happy?" I guess for me it is like a double emotion. It is happy because he was here, he was safe and part of our family visibly. It is sad though too because it reminds me how he isn't here now and how much we wish he could be,

We did it!!

We actually carved the pumpkins we got. The kids loved watching but that was about all they did! HA Koen is Mr Clean and wasn't about to put his hands in there and surprisingly B wasn't much interested either. We had fun doing anyway!

Brigs, Mom, Dad, Koen and Pierce

As close as it gets

I know I have mentioned how bad I wanted a pictures of my three boys together. Well this is as close as it is going to get and I LOVE it!

Thriller!

Thriller is one of my favorite things to do at Halloween time. The dancer in me comes out! I just want to get up there and bust a move with them! We went with Steve and Laura and some of their friends Jake and Sheelen. We ate some yummy pie pizza and enjoyed a fabulous show!

While Mom and Dad are away the Boys will PLAY!

My boys had a great time while we were gone. They started off at my parents house. They were excited to see the garage sale find my dad had waiting for them. A trike that pulls a wagon! Excellent! They also got to see my dad's beloved yellow van get towed away to the dump. This was the source of much embarrassment for me when we lived at my parents house! LOL ie: "the house with the yellow van our front."

That night they were lucky enough to have a big cousins sleepover. My sister brought her kids up and my brother's fam stayed over too. They made cookies and got new Halloween jammies from Grandma!

Apparently Brigs loved these jammies so much that later on in the week at my sister's house he had gone to bed and wouldn't stop crying. She wasn't sure what he was saying or what the problem was but eventually figured our he was saying "other ones" cause he wanted his other PJ's with the pumpkin! silly kid.

The next morning they woke up and went to breakfast with the witches at Gardener Village. The kids all had fun. Brigy stayed home and hung out with Grandpa!

 That night came more fun! My mom's friend decks out her house(in and out) for Halloween and then does trick or treating through out it. We went last year and it was so much fun. The boys came home with LOADS of candy. This year they all went together. Sad we missed it but glad the kiddos got to go. Brigs would like nothing to do with Halloween costumes this year and therefore they only got the pants to his Pirate outfit on! LOL

 They took a late night drive down to Nae's house. Then spent the week there. They had a fabulous time! Koen loves his cousins so much and always has fun playing in C town! :) I love that at one point my sister's 5 year old said "Mom, Brigs is intense. We might have to take him back to Grandma. I don't know if we can handle him." I feel ya Claire. Sometimes I need to take him to Grandma's house too! ;)  They rode bikes, had movie nights, colored, played with the kitties, Koen and Whitley got a little bosy like oldest kids do and I am sure they all drove my sister crazy but I love her for doing it! Mind you I did offer her just Koen. She said she wanted to take them both so "I owed her." haha 2 for 2 right sis? Even trade. or all 4 for half the time? or maybe even your 4 for 1 week, my 2 for 2 weeks, the possibilities are endless! :)

Koen informed me today that we needed to get a kitty. "but mom Brigs loved them so much..." Did he forget I hardly like the pet we already have. We have learned the hard way this momma is not a pet lover. :) Love you Koda. ;)

dagger

This morning we were watching Max and Ruby and of course the commercials on Nick are hitting toys hard now that Christmas is coming. I told the kids to see if there was anything they wanted to ask for. Then a commercial came on for the nighttime baby bath and lotion. Koen said "We dont need that, we dont even have a baby!" Why is that like a dagger straight to my heart? I should need that, right along with all the Christmas toys. :(

Something else worth mentioning. Phil and I went to get a spray tan before we left on our cruise. We did the airbrush one where there is actually a person spraying you. We were all just chatting as she sprayed Phil when she asked "how many kids do you have?" In unison Phil said "2" and I said "3." Awkward. She looked back and forth at us for a minute a little on the confused side. I then gave her a brief Pierce story. In the car I gave Phil the rundown on when to give what answer. :) lol

song

One of my friends shared this song with me. I hope at some point I look at this as a beautiful heartbreak, I am still in the "praying he'd take it away" stage. :) Beautiful song! Thanks Leigh!

Beautiful Heartbreak

Head stone

On Saturday as we were getting on the plane to head home we got a call saying that they were setting the headstone. I was a little sad because I wanted to be here to watch. I don't know why, maybe I thought I'd get a little glimpse of the casket and be that much closer to my little man, his body anyway. (PS  I know in reality I wouldn't have) We drove over and saw it on Sunday. I am so happy with it. It took us a while to decide exactly what we wanted with the words on the outside. First we had "families are forever" across the top, then we thought we might want our names on it so we added that to the bottom. Then it looked like too much so we took the top off. It turned out great.

Yesterday when I was running I was sad that I couldn't tell exactly where it was anymore because it is flat now. So for his birthday today we went over and left him some pumpkins and a little spider stick. Now we will be able to see where it is when we run or drive by. When we got there today he already had a little pumpkin on his headstone. I really love when we go and there are things there. I love knowing other people stop by. Thank you to the people who visit him, it means a lot to me and I am sure to him as well.

5 months old already little boy. Time just keeps ticking on, but the love I have for you wont fade. You have impacted me forever. I am so glad I had 48 days on Earth with you and that  you are mine forever. I can't wait for the day that I can see you smile and hear you laugh. I love you bunches.

We all needed a pic with the permanent one now!

Just a little vent

I really just have to get this off my chest because I am pretty frustrated. Now I know that post baby chub and hair loss is annoying but I can't begin to tell you the new heights of annoying-ness if goes to when you don't even have the cute baby to make it worth it.

I started insanity 4 weeks before my cruise. 4 weeks of eating good, 45 minutes of insanity 5 days a week, along with 2 runs and 2 days at Zumba a week on top of it, to head off on my cruise at the SAME WEIGHT! Can I tell you how frustrating this is? Really! I am so sick of looking at the loose chub and skin that is my belly and remembering what my body sacrificed. It really just makes me mad. I just want the baby that came with the chub. Then I'll happily take my chub. ;) Anyway I was proud of the exercising I did on the cruise 3-4 mile runs 3 times and a 7 mile bike ride, but I came home 4 lbs heavier. Now I expected this, I ate a TON, but it is still depressing  Really, the weight is obnoxious but the way I look is WAY worse.

Now to the hair. Really when is it going to stop? Luckily my hair isn't thin, it actually still feels pretty thick. Which is amazing considering the amount of hair loss I've been dealing with the last few months. I am done with the hair attached to my arm or my back that is tickling me, done with cleaning it off EVERYTHING, and done with the gobs in the shower. DONE!

Ok maybe I am just on one today because my baby is 5 months today and I want him here. I want to look at him and be proud of my baby chub. I want to wipe a stray hair from my head off of him. I want to kiss him, smell him and love on him. I miss him.

Last night we had a family Halloween party. I love seeing everyone's costumes. I couldn't help but wonder what my little 5 month old would be dressed up as. Probably some sort of cute comfy animal outfit. I watched my sister in laws carry around their babies. I want to carry around my baby. Instead I carry a little piece of my angel in my heart, while another piece is broken.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Why do I try and mask my tears through ruffling the sheets and tossing and turning? I always laugh at myself later about it. I am sure Phil doesn't mind my crying, but for some reason I guess I do, so I try to hide it. Like when I just answered the phone "hello" all chipper as if I am just baking some cookies or something. Instead I am getting my feelings out on this good ol blog, and it feels good. :)

Vacation from grief

Phil and I just returned from a week in the Caribbean. I call it my vacation from grief. We were gone for 8 days. For 8 days I was tear free. That is remarkable folks, remarkable. I will say when we got home last night and I went to walmart to pick a few things up it was hard. Hard like it was before. When I went to bed last night there were tears. My mind raced. On vacation I think I was in a different world. I definitely thought about Pierce everyday. Is there ever a day a mother doesn't think about her child? But I enjoyed the time Phil and I had together, with some of his family and no tears. :) Hopefully now it will be a step toward healing. I have worried it will hit ten fold now that we are home. I will try an post about our trip this week! Yahoo! Also along the lines of remarkable is my sister who watched my kids the whole time! Thanks Sis!

T-ball take 2

I asked Koen before Pierce was born if we wanted to play soccer or t-ball again seeing how they would both be coming up. He said he wanted to play t-ball again. I opted not to put him in for summer fearing I would look like a hot mess at the games I would have to roll solo with the 3 kids. It ended up being a good thing considering how busy our summer was.

So when my neighbor was signing up her little guy for fall ball we jumped on it. Koen did enjoy playing it a lot more this time. We had no issues with him playing or not wanting to, he always did great when he was there. However he would often say "I can't wait till t-ball is over" and "I am never gonna play t-ball again." It seems my child doesn't like doing things that are not part of his agenda (riding his bike or fourwheeler and playing with the friends HE chooses.)He makes similar comments about school and play dates I set up.

Anyway it was good that he played well when he was there and had fun cause Brigs was SO intense. I was constantly chasing him around, giving him snacks and trying to keep him off the field. This is exactly the hot mess I was talking about, can you imagine if I added an infant to the mix? WOW! Trust me I'd still take it if I could though. :)

The baller and the supportive fan!

Ko also did swimming lesson's while was off track. He loves swimming. That may be his sport.. I didn't get any pics because I was constantly wrestling the previously mentioned "supportive fan." He passed level 2 and we will be signing up for level 3 soon! YAHOO KOEN!

Halloween Bunko

Halloween bunko is the best. Even though I was leaving the next day for our cruise I couldn't miss it! Aly made everything so cute and  I LOVE seeing all the fun costumes!

Back row: Referee Angie, Ladybug Jenny, Prego Ghost Keri, Witch Aly, Biker chick(? is that right?) Ali, Cruella Laura 

Front row: Wilma Flinestone Alesha, Mary Poppins Sarah, Homie Alicia, Prego Nun Tristi and Bare foot and prego Robyn!

3 month angel day

Today marks 3 months since my little man left this Earth. Today has surprisingly been a good day. I don't know if I exhausted all my tears the other day or what but today there was not as many. The boys and I picked up some balloons and took them to the cemetery to "send to Pierce." That is what Koen calls it. Brigs just can't get over the balloons flying away and was screaming and crying "bwoon." Silly kid. There is a pond near Pierce's plot and today there were 4 ducks sitting in the water. The kids had a hay day with the ducks. It was a nice visit, minus B's never ending screams! ;) 3 months huh? Time just keeps ticking by. It is weird how it can feel like so long and short at the same time.

I love you little dude. Today I am happy that you are happy. I know you are happy. Happy to be tube and pain free. We think and talk about you everyday. Everything reminds us of you. You are special and we love you.

Pumpkin Patch

We have the best little pumpkin patch by our house! Not only is there a great selection and fun stuff around it for pictures and such, but the prices are GREAT! we got 5 pumpkins for 7 dollars. They are currently sitting on our porch waiting to be carved. Hopefully we get around to that this year! ;) The kids loved picking them out, even though the day we went was way muddy. They're boys that doesn't set them back! Too bad I had my old camera that doesn't work very good, because we had some girl take a picture of our fam on this cute stack of hay and it didn't work! BOO! It isn't every day you get a family shot at such things. :(

Changes

I am definitely a changed person since all of this nonsense has happened. I feel like I don't know if so far I am loving the change. Almost everyday lately I wish I could just be the person I use to be. I know they say you can't know the joy with out the pain but I really feel like I was pretty happy before this all happened.

-I would have considered myself an emotional person before, crying probably an average of 2 times a week. What do I call myself now that I cry that many times  X5 EVERYDAY!
-I think I had visited the cemetery less time than can be counted on one hand. Now I sometimes visit that many times in one week.
-I have never read my scriptures, worked out, prayed and been so diligent in a number of things as I am right now, but I don't feel like it is making a difference.
-I have never been a paranoid mother before. I would generally say quite the opposite. I feel like now I give Brigs something to eat and watch him like a hawk to make sure he doesn't choke. I feel extra protective of my kids and Phil. I cant lose them.
-I rarely can remember myself feeling sad, maybe mad or upset, but not a lot of sad. Especially for any length of time. I currently feel like I am normally happy but always have that lingering sadness in me.

The hard part is, I don't see myself ever not feeling "sad" about the way things worked out. Sad that my baby couldn't be healthy, sad that he couldn't be a part of our family on Earth, sad that I won't be able to see him for SO long, sad that I wont see all his milestones, sad that he is missing whenever we do family things, sad that his BF/cousin has to grow up with out him, sad that we may not have any more kids, sad that if we do I may be experiencing this same thing all over again,  sad that my kids are missing out on their brother and the list goes on and on.

I keep telling Phil I wish I could fast forward my life 5 years. Get over all the unknown. I know that wouldn't really be ideal because we would miss all our cute kids little milestones, but the not knowing is really killing me. There is a number of ways things could work out, I wish I could just know instead of have to actually make the choices and play them all out.

One of my other BLM friends had this on her blog. Wow it is so so true. I had to post it.

What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks

Hello, Old Friend,

Oh, yes, you know

I lost my child a while ago.

No, no please

Don’t look away

And change the subject

It’s ok.

You see, at first I couldn’t feel,

It took so long, but now it’s real.

I hurt so much inside you see

I need to talk,

Come sit with me?

You see, I was numb for so very long,

And people said, “My, she is so strong.”

They did not know I couldn’t feel,

My broken heart made all unreal.

But then one day, as I awoke

I clutched my chest, began to choke,

Such a scream, such a wail,

Broke from me…

My child! My child!

The horror of reality.

But everyone has moved on, you see,

everyone except for me.

Now, when I need friends most of all,

Between us there now stands a wall.

My pain is more than they can bear,

When I mention my child,

I see their blank stare.

“But I thought you were over it,”

Their eyes seem to say,

No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.

So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.

But inside I am crying, as I turn away.

And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,

As I have from the start,

You never knowing all the while,

All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

~Kelly Cummings

Love your body

So I debated over running the Love Your Body 10k for a while. Really though since we have started Insanity I haven't been running more than 3 miles and that is about once a week. Actually I haven't ran over 3 miles since before I was pregnant with Pierce. So I never signed up.

Last weekend my SIL asked me if I wanted to run the 6k in her place. I thought what the heck, that is like 3.7 and a little race is always fun. I coerced my BF into doing it (who has only ran 1 time in the last 3 months :) love ya Laur) and so we were off. It was super cold that morning but by the end of the race felt great!

It was a nice course, quite a few hills that weren't very tall but pretty steep. I normally run on mostly flat ground, fyi. So here is my funny story about the race. I get to the last turn and I knew the finish line was coming up. I am a sprinter at heart. Funny how that is what I started out running way back in late elem(& hurdles...lol). I love to push myself at the end and run faster. So there were two people ahead of me. The first one I pass easily as I start approaching the next one she starts speeding up. Oh no no missy, that will not be happening. I literally FULL OUT sprinted like I did in Junior High. haha There was no way polka dot stretchy was gonna beat me!! lol Then I almost couldn't stop and about ran into the camera man. good times. I didn't even see my time cause I was in "I am going to beat you mode." haha

I was happy to see later when I got home I finished in 10th place overall and 1st in my age division. Surprising really cause my time wasn't that great.  33:12.6 8:54/M


This was the 2nd race I ran this year the other being the Oak City Days 5k. My time there was 25:52. Gotta write this stuff down so I can remember. :) 

Ps I look so gross in these pictures...isn't that how you are supposed to look when running? Apparently not, seeing how I saw WAY more people with full powdered/make up faces than not...I guess I didn't get the memo. 

Happy 7!

Happy anniversary to my love! I am so glad I have you. It has been a wild ride and I wouldn't want to spend it with anyone else! :) I love you!