Tender Mercy

Now I am not one who particularly loves this phrase. In fact it generally bothers me when people talk about them. I mean really who wants a tender mercy, I want a miracle. :) Like bringing a special someone back from the dead. ;) I don't know why but the phrase always bugs me. Its the same when people talk about praying for small, simple things and "receiving" an answer. I think it is the cynical side of me that just thinks whats supposed to happen is gonna happen, whats going to happen is going to happen and random coincidences always happy. Today I may have just been made a believer in "tender mercies."

After Koen's baseball game he asked to go to Chillz. This is our favorite frozen yogurt stop. We go a lot! Today however there were many reason we shouldn't have gone. I am not eating sweets, Koen had already had a shake from Arby's, Brigs was already a sticky mess, its the end of the month and I shouldn't spend anymore money etc etc. But we went anyway.

When we walked in there was just one other mom there with her two boys. One looked to be Pierces age. After eating our ice cream staring at him the whole time I mustered up the courage to ask how old. She said "he will be 1 next month." Spot on. I tell ya, I can spot em coming. I told her we had a baby on May 25th. She asked where he was to which I replied "Not here. Not with us." The easy, less awkward way out. {I have decided that I just put it out there a little too frequent for people. It makes them uncomfortable. But at the same time I don't really care. So they feel uncomfortable for a minute, I feel uncomfortable every minute of every day. They can hack it for a few.}

We chatted a little and then I said "so you have the two boys?" She replied "I actually have 3." After a few more questions she went on to tell me she lost her 2nd baby to full term stillbirth. Coincidence. Probably not. We talked about our babies, our stories, our missing pieces and broken hearts. As we talked our boys ran around having a grand ol time. Now I have to add that making new friends is not Koen's strong suit. Especially with boys. Koen and Jack were instant friends. He asked if he could come ride in our car, and when we were going to have a play date. Seriously meant. to. be.

When we were leaving she said she had never been to Chillz before. She usually goes to another place but for some reason decided to come here. Now she knew why. I literally just got in my car and cried.

To be there at the same time. To be the only people there. To talk like we'd been friends for years. To relate so well. A definite tender mercy.

11 months

(Sweet baby P during his EEG 21 days old)

We'll love you forever, so come what may

We'll all be together as a family, some day.

Brigs has asked for "Pierce How We Love You" every day at nap and bedtime lately. I can sing the whole song without getting to choked up now except for the last two lines. "come what may" even though I don't want it to and "some day" even though I wish it was right now. 

I seriously can't even believe that next month my baby would be turning one. It has kind of been the longest  year of my life. haha At the same time though he will always be my little baby, I can't believe he would be turning 1. I feel like hitting the 11 month mark I can't even think about because all I can think about is how close to a year he is and it has been. WOW!

On Monday I had lunch with one of my favorite friends. I swear every time we get together I just talk and cry and she listens. haha One of her very best friends(Kristin) lost her baby just a few months after me and then she had a baby a few months later. I feel like it just hits her and she is so easy to talk to about everything. Thanks Amber. I seriously love you. She is so sweet and picked up cupcakes to celebrate P's 11 months (a few days early.) I totally cheated on my no sweets during the week for this. Seriously how could I not?

Today we decided to have a little picnic at the cemetery. The weather has been so nice. We invited a few friends and picked up some lunch. I am, as I've said a 100 times, SO GLAD we buried him so close. I am SO GLAD the cemetery isn't very busy. and I am SO GLAD my kids love going. It is like our own little abandoned park. When we were turning it Brigs said "Pierce we coming, I right here." Breaks and melts my heart at the same time. We spent a few hours just chatting, while the kids ran around looking at everyone's stuff and checking everything out. 

I am so blessed with so many great friends. I had another friend bring a card (thank you Shar, I know it was you :) and another bring cookies(thanks Amber S). I love you all. Thank you for thinking of me and more importantly of my sweet boy. Nothing is worse than feeling like I am the only one who ever thinks about him, especially when it is a constant for me. 

Pierce, 

I sure miss you my little buddy. I watched Max our neighbor (one of you BF's) at baseball yesterday and can't believe you'd be that big. I am happy knowing you are free of pain and hurt. I hope you are near by. At the cemetery today I couldn't stop thinking about how your cute little body was really buried right there in the ground. I wish I could hold you again. And smooch those chubby cheeks. Your brothers miss you. Our friends and family miss and love you. We talk about you everyday. We look at your pictures everyday. We hope you are happy everyday. I hope I can make you proud. 

Love, Mom

Bike Tour and Amazing Bodies

On Saturday my brother Jeff, BF Laura and I rode in the Salt Lake City Bike tour. It is a fun little route that is almost exact to the marathon route that is run later that morning. It was my first bike "race" if you can really call it that, and I totally loved it. I only almost died once. Some lady took a turn extra wide and almost ran me off the rode. I totally said "whoa there" like she was some kind of animal or something. LOL! I have to not think about what may have happened had I actually fallen. Considering I am attached to the bike with my shoes...otherwise I start to get SCUBA panic mode! haha

Jeff, Me, Lo, Dana and ?? Oh can't remember his name (my bro's work friends)

 You can only tell a little in the pics but they totally gave me the wrong medal. Pretty cool if I had done the marathon but not so much. Luckily my fellow bikers noticed and I traded. :)

We finished about 7:30 and hung out for a bit. Then we thought it would be fun to ride our bikes from the Delta Center where the race ended back up to the U where our car was parked. Now that was the hard part! It was a nice uphill workout. My brother and I stayed to see my sister Lynae and sister in law Kirstie (his wife) finish the half marathon. I get so emotional in things like that. I was totally crying listening to all the people yelling and encouraging the racers. You just never know what people have been through to do that. Through my choked up voice I yelled for my sisters as the ran the home stretch! I am so proud of my sis. She worked hard and accomplished her goal! Way to go Nae!

I missed a pic of nae during my emotional yelling ;)

Not intentionally at first, but we ended up staying until my brother finished. Ky had been training one of his friends and it was really cool to watch Jaron cross and finish. Ky is such an awesome friend. He has spent many hours working with his buddy. All the people who ran around them said he was their motivation. :) Isn't it just fun that me and ALL my siblings participated in some aspect of this event? I thought it was!

Now I had to post about how amazing bodies are. We saw the full marathon finisher finish right before my sis's. It was so awesome. It is just crazy people can do that and especially that fast. Definitely something on my bucket list. Just not quite so fast! :)

back: Lynae, Jeff, Kirstie, Dan and Jaron

front: Me, Ky and Wally 

(Dan and Wally are Ky's friends)

The other reason I have been thinking about how amazing bodies are, is because I have been watching mine heal all day. This morning I fell while running. Yes you heard me right, not off my bike but running. HAHA (how embarrassing) I was running on some gravel and was apparently looking up for my upcoming turn when my foot got caught on some sort of wire (I will be investigating) it totally caught tight on my foot with no give and tripped me. I think I was probably horizontal in the air before landing. My first thought was "Did I really just fall?" as I hurried up and continued running. 

It beat my hands up pretty bad and they were bleeding intensely the whole way home. When I got home they had all sorts of dirt and rocks in them. I also scrapped up my knee, hip and elbow. I am just shocked watching over the day how my hands are already healing. They hurt so bad (mostly cause it is near impossible not to use them.) In some places the skin has already closed, scabs are forming and healing is taking place. Our bodies are just really amazing. (funny that this small thing made me think of this. I mean, hello I've had 3 c-sections, lol)

Anyway I am just grateful to have my body. I am happy to keep it healthy through exercising. I am glad my body functions properly. It is something I just never really thought much about before seeing my own son's not. I feel like it is my duty to him to keep my body healthy and take good care of it. :)

Failing

You know those days you feel like you are just failing at being a mom? Well, I have been having one of those everyday this week and quite possibly for the last 10 days. I feel like sometimes when I think about all the things that are required of me as a mom it is really very overwhelming. Teach them their alphabet, to read, where they came from, where they are going, who they are, adding, subtracting, colors, etiquette, manners, etc etc etc. Really the list goes on and on. I try not to think about how overwhelming it can be and do my best. Most days this works out just fine. I find that I feel I am really failing when we just aren't getting along.

Now generally speaking I would always say Brigs is my harder child. He is more demanding, headstrong, my way or the highway, hot and cold....you get the point. However for the past week or so Koen and I have butt heads like it is our job. I feel like he isn't listening, doing the things he is supposed to or being the nice boy he usually is(to me and his friends.) Add to that a serious attitude and you get me being on his case ALL THE TIME! I dislike nothing more than feeling like I am disciplining non stop. This is totally not normal behavior for my child. He is usually my sweet, easy going, obedient child. He has recently decided that he doesn't sleep, or need to sleep. He has been staying up until 10-11 every night and driving me BONKERS! I am sure this is 90% of our issue. I guess I am just unsure HOW to make the kid sleep?

I feel like since Pierce passed away there is always the question when he acts out, "Is this part of his grieving?" He has done some interesting things since losing his little brother. It is hard to know when to give him the crutch of grieving and when to not cut him the slack.

I try to explain to him that I don't like being the "mean mom." I definitely prefer to do things he enjoys, help him get things he wants etc. The problem is he is getting just about everything taken away because of his choices. He of course thinks that it is my fault he can't do the things he wants which seriously bugs. I feel like I am constantly taking something away, sending him to time out or arguing with him. Then Dad comes home and its all fun and games. Now I have to say Phil totally backs me in everything, but it just seems like Koen is being a totally different person when him and Phil are interacting then when the two of us do.

I think about all the things I am trying to teach my kids and some of the most important are respect, love and kindness. When I feel like I am not seeing these attributes in my children I feel like I am failing. I know that it is probably just a "phase" and that when he decides that sleep is an important aspect in his day things will be hunky dory again. Sometimes it is just hard to find that balance in showing your kids you love them and teaching them the appropriate way to conduct them selves at the same time. Being a mom is a tough job. One that changes day to day. One that stretches and molds us. I guess that is why it is one of the most important. For both us and the kiddos.

Hating {it}

Today I am just hating {it} Whatever {it} is. The fact that this is my life. The fact that I will likely live 60 years with out one of my children.(and hopefully only 1!) The fact that everyone else grows up but to me I still have a little infant. The fact that my baby is missing out on so much. The fact that I am missing out on watching him do everything. The fact that everyone else is doing everything. The fact that this is all a FACT! Nothing I can do can change that.

Really that last fact is what gets me most. I CAN NOT CHANGE THIS. I told Phil this morning that right now I am back to wishing this wasn't happening to me. I wish I was feeling sorry for someone else instead of for myself. I feel like I have been excepting this new life fairly well for the last while but all the sudden I just feel so angry about it again. It makes me feel so angry when I think about living my life always wishing it could be different. That he could be here. That our family was complete. That he wasn't missing.

Yesterday we did an Easter egg hunt at my inlaw's house. My cute father in law (Pierce's middle name sake) is always thinking of Pierce. It really makes me so happy. He will randomly say things about thinking about him, he wears his "Pierce is Fierce" bracelet everyday, etc. Yesterday while the kiddos were Easter egg hunting he said to the kids "Here is a pile of Easter bunnies" then he leaned over and handed me one and said "I got one for Pierce, I didn't want to leave him out, he is my buddy." It was like instant water works. I LOVE when people remember and include him. Who knows what we will do with that little bunny but it literally made my night.

On the note of last nigh, it is things like that where I just wish I could see the P man crawling around getting into everything. Seeing people dote over his cute little baby self. It just bring more of the stab of "this is it, not gonna change." grrr.

One of my good friends from school had her first baby pass away from SIDS. She told me this probably when I was pregnant with Brigs. I remember thinking, that is sad and the classic "I can't imagine." Now thinking about her and realizing that she did and does feel like I feel now is crazy. It it so something you only can get if you are forced to live it.(I am sure like other "I can't imagines") We talked for a bit tonight and I expressed how it bugs me that I'll always think and wonder about him. She of course said that is true because she still does and her son would be 29.

It totally bugs that in 19 years when all my cute little neighbor boys and nephew are preparing for a mission I will be thinking, "awe Pierce would be doing that" or when they get married and have kids i'll wish Pierce was here to do that too. I just don't imagine that going away. Of course not being as constant but it just bugs.

60 years with out someone you love just seems like eternity. I can't wait to see what real eternity feels like when our family is reunited. I miss you baby.

Easter Sunday

Easter morning Koen woke up excited to hunt for Easter eggs. We was quite distraught when he couldn't see any out his bedroom window. (which I don't understand where he got that the Easter bunny hides eggs and how do I get rid of it? I refuse to hide eggs the night before)

Shortly after we went down and he checked a little closer and found the eggs( I had just hid!.) Him and Brigs were out there in no time!

We could have just done that and they would have been happy. Who needs an Easter basket anyway? I had to remind Koen that the Easter Bunny brought him something else last year before he even thought about anything else.

 These are the baskets I mentioned I bought 5 of last year. For my 5 kids.....

 Of course B's favorite thing was the same as from Christmas! A bottle pop! haha Koen loved his Lego Finn!

After we ate breakfast and watched a little video about Christ's life and resurrection. I am so happy to teach my children this principle. Especially now that it has extra special meaning in our family! Then it was time for church!

I bought these shirts for my boys last year after Easter. I of course got one for Pierce as well. His was blue. I planned on finding a tie that would pull it all together. My sis in law made these adorable ties. I love them. I didn't realize until Easter morning that they would have gone perfect with the little blue shirt we were missing as well. I can't tell you how much I wish this picture had a third little boy in it. 

As I mentioned before church was great. On the way home we stopped by the cemetery. We visited for a bit and then the Brown's showed up. It was such a nice day to spend there. 

Laura brought P this little egg and the dangling P. I love it. Thank you for thinking of him. :) We enjoyed the rest of the afternoon lounging around at home and finished the day off with Easter dinner at my brothers. 

Easter Eggcitment!

Easter weekend is always fun. I love spending holidays with the fam and it's even more fun the older my children get. Koen started off the morning with an egg hunt in the neighborhood. Brigs was still sleeping so I enlisted Laura to take Ko with her. I figured I'd better let B sleep to help the rest of the day be fun. haha K had a good time although he was sorely disappointed that all of his eggs only had one treat(for 10 total) and Tessa's had 2 each, double the loot! haha

Around 11 we headed to my parents for a family filled fun day! We were sad that Phil had to work. :( We decorated eggs fresh from the farm in Cleveland! Thanks sis! haha

 Brigy had fun for about 3 eggs. ;) My sis in law saw this idea of putting the egg in a whisk! Great for kids!

 Brigs Me and Libs. I look like I might just fall asleep right there! haha to my defense I did wake up at 6 AND ran 7 miles. 

Koen Zach and Claire hard at work. 

Now my dad thought it would be a fun idea to by some chicks when he went to IFA. Random right? Well he is the cubscout master and is going to use them for that in some way but really he said he thought it would be fun to have when all the kids come over. Little cutie! So really who needs a picture with a creepy overgrown bunny when you can have one with an adorable little chick?

While decorating eggs the big cousins and the adult men hid eggs in the yard. Nothing like an Easter egg hunt! Totally one of things I remember looking forward to as a kiddo. 

 The littles are set to go hunt in the back yard. (minus Libs)

Boo found one!

 Loot!

After our hunt we had fun playing outside enjoying the beautiful day! B did not want to get off the swing. He loves to swing. Really though that is why I don't have a swing set. I don't want to spend my whole day pushing kids on the swing. Rude right? Maybe when all my kids can pump themselves we'll consider it. :)

After we all went to Chuck a Rama for late lunch. My dad loves that place and wanted to take us all for his birthday! After we went to Cabelas to look around and see them feed the fish. The kids love it there and it was pretty fun. Minus Koen getting lost and totally having to call a code Adam! SCARY! He thinks he is way bigger than he is sometimes and thought he could run find someone else in our group. Thankfully he was just fine. Great day with my fam!

9 months of grief

Today marks 9 months of grief that I could have NEVER imagined. Who knew grief was such a roller coaster? Probably only those who have experienced it, but I sure hadn't. I was so proud that out of our hours of talking with the doctors yesterday I only cried for a total of 2 minutes. I think the last time we met in October I cried for most of it. I am glad that some days I can have a little bit better hold on my emotions.

It has been a little hard lately to be doing things that I vividly remember doing HUGE and pregnant last year. It results in feeling pain and sadness that this year I am not doing them with my baby. It seems like every spring activity reminds me of being pregnant, pictures from last year, expecting BB3, and wanting him to be here now.

I was pleasantly surprised that Easter was great. I wondered with it being a Sunday(obviously) and being a time I would especially think of Pierce if it would be a "hard" day. I was happy that it wasn't. It was really nice. We had our lesson on the resurrection. When I had thought about the resurrection previously it was generally things like "how old will my perfect state be?" "Will I ditch these stretch marks?" "Will my boobs be put back where they started?" All very important questions obviously (haha) but I love the new meaning the resurrection has taken on to me. I love thinking about Pierce in his resurrected state. I can't wait for the day when I can hold and love on him tube free because his little body wont be broken anymore, it will be perfect.

While at Primary's yesterday we waiting for about 1/2 an hour for our docs. We waited in the nuero unit. I couldn't help but look around at all the parents and children there for their appointments. I think I saw 8 different kiddos with trachs, some vented others not, some babies others young kids. I saw an adorable baby with some type of head trauma. An older child in a wheel chair who looked perfectly normal but could barely speak. I looked in awe at these amazing spirits who have come down to earth in imperfect bodies. That would be a hard task. As I have continued thinking about them today I can't help but think how great the day will be when they are resurrected and will have perfect bodies. It is such a blessing.

I am so grateful that I KNOW this. I know that I will see my baby again. I know that he will be perfect and his body will function properly. I know that this is all possible because of my Savior Jesus Christ. For that I am beyond grateful. As much as I wish I could enjoy Pierce here and now, I am grateful that I know I will have that opportunity later. Obviously now isn't an option. :(

Today I am missing my baby. Today I am glad to know that I can be with him again. Today I wish he was here. Today I am grateful he isn't suffering. Today I am grateful he is mine. And today I hope I can  do all I need to make sure I live up to that.

I love you P man! SOOOOO MUCH!

"And May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor"

Famous words from the Hunger Games and for us they just may be.

Today we met with two neurologists and a genetic counselor. Our results are back from our genome sequence. The lab found a mutation on gene Las1L. It is a gene that has had very little studying done. Mutations in it cause no known diseases. The lab seems quite positive that this is the gene that resulted in Pierce presentation. The neurologists aren't as quick to be as certain but are hopeful. 

This gene is x linked. However I do not carry it. Which means I either had an egg that had a mutation somehow or Pierce mutated it during embryonic development. If this gene is the real cause of Mr P's issues we have less than a .01% of this happening again. 

Here is the tricky part. With such things there is never 100% surety. The body is crazy and amazing and how if functions is far too much to understand. Scientist/doctors will think they have pinpointed something only to later find out it is much different than what they originally thought. That being said, they are going to try to do some research to see how mutations in this gene would effect humans. In doing so we will be able to find out just how probable this mutation is at being our problem. It is hard to just say "yep, never seen this mutation before, don't know how it works, but pretty sure it caused a whole mess of issues for you son." There is just no evidence. So, it is likely but not surely. Hopefully in the coming months we will get even more information as they start to study the biology of this gene and its function.

For now, this isn't much, but it is good. It is good to have some information. Hell, it's more than we've ever had before. haha. We've got time to make decisions about more kids. We aren't in a rush. Well who knows after today's talk about eggs and how they get "sticky" and have more mutations as you get older! EEK! HA Good thing I am only 27, I should be good right?

Scapaway Spring 2012

We have enjoyed making Scrapaway our biannual retreat. Once in spring and once it fall. We really just love spending the weekend crafting without having to do a single other thing if we dont want to. :) We had a great time as usual with a lot of newbies to our group. My sister has quite the scrapbooking following down in Emery county so our group is getting larger and crazier! haha

Sis and I. Two pics in one weekend?!?! Whoa We had a good time running our 6 miler together.  

  The group

 Sis, Mom, Jenn(SIL) and Me

Laura Stacie (friends)

Me and Gina (SIL/BFF since I was 7 :))

This is my last actual scrapaway as I have decided to give up paper scrapbooking. It is kind of sad because I really love doing it but I feel like the time, money and effort just isn't worth it. They take up so much room and no one ever looks at them. :( So from here on out I will only be printing my blog. I journal way more here anyway and doing both is just like double duty. Well and my boys yearly books on shutterfly. LOVE those! So I finished up last year and that was my stopping point. From now on it will be craftaway for me! I wouldn't miss it for anything. I will find something to keep myself busy while there! :)

Bean Bee the dog

Koen and the replacement :)

Koen has had his little blankey AKA bean bee since before he was born. (story here) Beemp, as we lovingly refer to it,has been on its last leg for over a year now. Getting so small it is far to easy to miss place.

Its most recent state

On St Patricks day bean bee was MIA. Koen had it before we went to the Doctor but was unable to find it when he came home in a hot mess. He did surprisingly well going to sleep with out that night, since he swears up and down that he cannot. Usually after a few nights without it all Hell breaks loose at bedtime. But not this time. 

We had been talking about putting bean bee inside a build a bear when Koen was ready. We have been saving the strings that have fallen off of it for this purpose. We started asking Koen if he was ready to go make his animal and put bean bee's strings inside. He was all for it. 

One week after St Pats I found beemp in the washer while doing laundry. I opted to gauge where Koen was at without it before telling him. I asked him about putting beemp inside the bear when we found it and he refused. This is when I knew telling him was not an option. He had done great for a week with out it and it is really not going to last much longer. So, why start the process over in a few months when all it is is strings? 

On Monday we went to build a bear with a large bouncy ball size of bean bee string and made Koen a new littler friend, bean bee the dog. Stuffed with love and bean bee pieces!

 Beanbee dog making silly faces and sporting some sweet clothes!

 Koen chose for his dog to have Ninja clothes. When we were putting him to bed last night he really didn't want him to sleep in that. I went down and got him some clothes out of our little baby bin. It was funny that I grabbed what I did because I didn't realize it but this shirt was given to me as a gift with the real beanbee at a baby shower. Perfect shirt for the new pal!

All tucked in for the night with his other furry friends!

different

I know I always say that there are days I just wish things could really be different. Different in having my baby here and healthy. Today I got an email from Amazon about my "9-12 month old." Those are the times different gets stuck in my mind. What things would be like, how they would be different. When I sit and think about things too much I get a sick feeling. It is hard to want something so bad but know it isn't going to be any different.

I watched some videos today of when we would take Koen to the hospital and he would sing all his little songs to P. Me just sitting there rocking him, Koen singing, can I please relive that?  Koen came down the other night after I had put him to bed and I was looking at some pictures of Pierce. He said "Mom those were the best days" I said "those were good huh?" He replied "I wish we could live those days forever." He speaks exactly what I feel.

Brigs has been so into babies lately. My friend came over with her baby and he wanted to hold her, love her, carry her, play with her. Although it is very cute, it really makes me feel so sad. He should have that everyday. He should be driving me crazy on a daily basis wanting to do those things with his OWN baby. I want things to be different for him.

My little nephew Vince, I have mentioned a few times (born a week after P passed) just started crawling. When I see him I want SO BAD for things to be different. I want my little P man to be here crawling. Then I remember that if he was here he wouldn't be doing that and that breaks my heart more.

I have surprisingly kept two plants alive that I got after Pierce passed away. I am horrible at caring for plants. The one I have kept on my kitchen table for the past 8 1/2 months has been barely hanging on for at least 3 months. I just couldn't get it in me to throw it away. For a while I felt like I HAD to keep it alive. I finally managed to let it go yesterday. I know it may sound silly but I am proud of myself. I took good care of the plant for a long time, I tried to keep it alive, really hard, but it was dying. I thought for a long time that I had to keep it alive because it reminded me of Pierce and he couldn't be alive so this plant needed to be. I guess I am just proud that I was able to let it die. Weird, right?

Thinking about things being different really only makes me sad, but for some reason it is just inevitable.

April Goals

My report....
So, I did horrible on the lesson reading. I think I only got one week in. Well I think that was the only week we made it to church this month! WHOA! We were out of town, had a sick B and conference.
For being out of town so much this past month I would say the lesson reading/spiritual reading was pretty good. Not every night, but most.
Just ok on the vitamins.
Great on the exercising after Grand Caymen.
Better but not great at the kid play.

This months:
-No candy or desserts except Sunday. I just feel better without it, and I hate it! HA Trying to find something I can live with.
-No eating after 7:30
-Spiritual reading daily
-lessons
-kid play their way! haha
-vitamins
-try to keep things cleaner (as I look at this disaster area! LOL)
-Spend less on extras

I am not putting exercising on here again because I feel like it is where it needs to be. That is what I am trying to work on with all of these things.
Likin my monthly goals! :)