I really just have to get this off my chest because I am pretty frustrated. Now I know that post baby chub and hair loss is annoying but I can't begin to tell you the new heights of annoying-ness if goes to when you don't even have the cute baby to make it worth it.
I started insanity 4 weeks before my cruise. 4 weeks of eating good, 45 minutes of insanity 5 days a week, along with 2 runs and 2 days at Zumba a week on top of it, to head off on my cruise at the SAME WEIGHT! Can I tell you how frustrating this is? Really! I am so sick of looking at the loose chub and skin that is my belly and remembering what my body sacrificed. It really just makes me mad. I just want the baby that came with the chub. Then I'll happily take my chub. ;) Anyway I was proud of the exercising I did on the cruise 3-4 mile runs 3 times and a 7 mile bike ride, but I came home 4 lbs heavier. Now I expected this, I ate a TON, but it is still depressing Really, the weight is obnoxious but the way I look is WAY worse.
Now to the hair. Really when is it going to stop? Luckily my hair isn't thin, it actually still feels pretty thick. Which is amazing considering the amount of hair loss I've been dealing with the last few months. I am done with the hair attached to my arm or my back that is tickling me, done with cleaning it off EVERYTHING, and done with the gobs in the shower. DONE!
Ok maybe I am just on one today because my baby is 5 months today and I want him here. I want to look at him and be proud of my baby chub. I want to wipe a stray hair from my head off of him. I want to kiss him, smell him and love on him. I miss him.
Last night we had a family Halloween party. I love seeing everyone's costumes. I couldn't help but wonder what my little 5 month old would be dressed up as. Probably some sort of cute comfy animal outfit. I watched my sister in laws carry around their babies. I want to carry around my baby. Instead I carry a little piece of my angel in my heart, while another piece is broken.
I cried myself to sleep last night. Why do I try and mask my tears through ruffling the sheets and tossing and turning? I always laugh at myself later about it. I am sure Phil doesn't mind my crying, but for some reason I guess I do, so I try to hide it. Like when I just answered the phone "hello" all chipper as if I am just baking some cookies or something. Instead I am getting my feelings out on this good ol blog, and it feels good. :)
8 comments:
A little vent is always good. Hate all the post prego symptoms without the baby. I remember the first period being the biggest slap in the face.
I also have a natural reaction to put on a happy face in front of others. Then I hate it when they act like I am doing great, I am officially insane. Thanks for posting the venting, they are my favorite to read cause I realize I'm not completely crazy.
Baking cookies!!! You crack me right up. Cause the last time I baked cookies I answered the phone all pissy cause I was messing up!! Love ya
Gotta love a good vent. I totally know how you feel with the hair loss. I feel like I should be bald right now. I seriously lose a head full of hair a day. You are so awesome for working out! You will get there you skinny minny. Don't be so hard on yourself ;) Love ya!
I didn't even realize how much hair I loss until it finally started growing back, and I had no idea why I had all these curly little hairs around scalp. When I got my hair done, she said... Sooo did you shave your head or...is it baby hair? I said, "I had a baby and a month later he died." She said, "hmm yup. That'll do it." And then that was it. I keep going someplace different for my hair because I hate bringing it up and it ALWAYS comes up--I mean now it's finally a little longer but it still looks ridiculous because it's sooo curly and so they ALWAYS ask me if it's baby hair or what? The last girl almost fainted when I told her what happened. Hmmm yeah I think I will go someplace different again... But this time I think I will tell them my baby is at home with his dad!
And don't feel bad about the weight. I barely just loss "one chunk of fat" around my stomach.. I still have another (ya know, that piece you can just squeeze). I still suck in my stomach in public, if not, I will look pregnant still. I didn't eat so great after he died... my friend said, "that's okay, you needed comfort food--that's what you needed at that time to get by". I guess so.
vent away.... you have every right to. As for hiding your tears, don't. You have a right to cry. I am sure you are exspecting to see your numbers drop from insanity but honestly you look amazing. Again I'd still take your chub to a nude beach, anyday. =) love ya!
You look great Lesh--keep up the good work. Don't feel like you have to mask your tears because you don't have to! Glad you can vent on the blog, anything that helps you feel better is most important.
You look awesome even though you don't feel like it. I know how you feel about crying. I always tell people to let it out, but I totally hate crying in front of people. I don't know why. I'm just a dork that way.
OMGosh I totally can relate to the hair loss and the baby weight. After Tess died at ten weeks my hair started falling out like no other. I think it came out twice as bad because of all the stress I was under. I also remember feeling like I hadn't even totally recuperated from my csection yet and I didn't even have a baby there to prove to myself that it was all worth it. (even though I know it was) I feel for you sweetie. What you are going through is so flippin hard. It is good for you to vent. xoxo
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