worrying wondering and waiting

The last couple weeks have been LONG! I knew they would be. I knew sometime around 30 weeks things would get real, real fast. I knew it would be a long last few months of worrying, wondering and waiting. Like I mentioned in my previous post I am usually able to talk myself down when I start stressing. Just the other day for honestly the first time I thought "what if this baby has whatever Pierce had?" I honestly feel like with all the testing we have had done the chances are so slim that I feel like I have worried about EVERYTHING else (late term miscarriage, still birth, SIDS etc) more than I have actually thought about her being affected by the exact same thing.

Today has brought on a whole new slew of emotions and issues to think about. My antibodies are rising. In 9 days they have doubled. From 4 to 8. I called MFM to see what the critical titer level was because my doc isn't in the office on Fridays and I am sure hasn't seen my labs yet. She told me 16 is the number to be concerned with. Now I feel glad that they aren't there (yet) but to think that in just 9 days they doubled and if they do that again in just 9 days I WILL be there. I have to stop and remind myself that they did the same thing when I was pregnancy with Pierce.  About a month before he was due they doubled(and stayed constant til 39 weeks.) But it still seems so much different because then we were talking doubling from 1 to 2.

I feel like my mind is so preoccupied. I was reading the kids a book before bed and realized they were both laughing at the story and I had no clue what I had even read. It is consuming my mind today. If my levels do double next week I could be delivering a baby NEXT week, at 36 weeks. It isn't uncommon if the mom is passed 34 weeks and the antibodies get into a dangerous zone to deliver immediately. Multiple things about this scare me. A- I think I would most likely have to switch hospitals which means I would have a new Doc. Now if I didn't have c sections I really feel like I wouldn't be so opposed to this. B- I feel like we are asking for NICU time. I really just don't want to be there again. I know people do it all the time and there babies come home but mine didn't and I really don't want to do any part of that again.

On the other hand it worries me that if my levels stay put and I am still able to deliver at my hospital of choice that something will slip through the cracks. I of course have been reading up on my BBC forum of people with blood incompatibilities and it is about half and half with the outcomes. Some people have low numbers and their babies are perfectly fine but other babies have dangerously high levels of jaundice or become anemic with in days/weeks after birth. What if our baby seems fine and heads down hill quickly in one of those areas because the antibodies are still in her system? It also totally stresses me out that my pediatrician is on maternity leave. I would feel so much better if I knew she was going to be on her look out. I feel like even though we dealt with this last time I feel like this is a first all over again. Pierce had other issues at birth that this took an immediate back seat. We don't really know what it could be like if this in and of itself is the issue. And I don't feel like many are well educated with it because it is so rare. Ahhhh.

I really need to get in a see what my doc has to say. I have an appt on Tuesday and another blood draw but I am interested to see what he is thinking. Really I am just sick of all the "W-ing." That's what I am referring to it as now. haha(post title) I am ready for this show to get on the road. Lets figure out what's happening, do it and deal with it. It's funny because I remember feeling like this when I was pregnant with Pierce, but it was to figure out how I was gonna handle 3 kids with 2 so close together. I must get a bee in my bonnet at the end to just have everything figured out. That is so unlike me. ;)

Less than 4 weeks to go for sure. Please keep us in your prayers.

 Here's a side(34w2d) and a front(35w1d) view of the bump.