So, can you believe it has been 4 months? I CAN! haha because it seems like it has been about 4 million really. The thing I think is weird is that 4 months seems WAY to short for how long he has been gone, how long I have felt this grieving pain, and how long I have been missing him. BUT it is absolutely CrAzY to me to think he would be 6 months old next week.
So last Saturday was 4 months since we said goodbye to the little man. I was away at Scrapaway until late in the day. That was the first Angelversary that I haven't been to the cemetery and let balloons go. It is sad in a way, but also good in others I think. It's not like I thought about him any less but I think it is somewhat nice to not focus on that day. For me currently it is painful to think about. Which is also weird because that day, the actual day, wasn't painful at all. It was nothing but peaceful. Ok maybe a little sad, but only for me. I felt so happy for him. I knew that was the best and right thing for him. He was peaceful. He was ready. I felt so guided and comforted during that time. I guess maybe I should think about that instead of thinking of it as sad because I miss him and that was the last time I held him.
Too bad I can't feel that guided and comforted all the time right? I wish that knowing that was what was supposed to happen could magically take away all the pain. I get glimpses of that comfort here and there but I think that is part of the process. How can I grow and become better from this if I am carried the WHOLE way?
Where am I 4 months out. I feel like about 85% I am my "normal" self. The other 15% comes randomally through out the day but usually consists of sadness or anger or maybe both. Why do I still feel so mad some times? Why do I still wish that I could just change things when I logically know that isn't going to happen? Why do I still hate this happened to me? Grrr.
I guess I am glad that I am functioning somewhat normally. I know it can be worse, I have heard plenty worse. I have drive to get out of bed, to play with my kids, to go shopping, to eat, to do things I enjoy. I just get the random sads/mads for an hour or so a day. Maybe what I don't have is the drive to adjust. I think I just keep thinking about how I wish I was who I was before. Maybe it is the whole acceptance thing. I need to accept this is the new me and make that new me in to someone better than the old one. It is hard not to want my old "nothing bad/hard happened to me" self back. That is it, that is what I am going to work on, accepting the "new me." and dare I say....loving it?
8 comments:
oh gobbilicious is right!! I am sure Pierce loved seeing you surrounded by friends/family enjoying a little getaway. You are different but I don't think that different is bad. Love ya girl! Still pray for you daily.
That is some serious decoration! I love it! Hooray for you for doing something good for yourself on a day that is hard, and being in a place emotionally that it is ok to do that. you are so insightful, and express your feelings so well.
Sometimes I feel like what you are writing is advice for me. Hopefully at some point I can explain it better. You really are special.
sorry i have been out of the commenting loop for so long.
I'm so pathetic. I hardly go to the cemetery any more since we moved to a different town. We aren't that far, but 25 minutes is a lot further than 5 minutes. I think if I had other kids I would definitely do balloons or something cause I wouldn't want them to forget their brother, but of course I really don't know since I don't have other kids. Its weird, in the beginning when I would think about the "time thing" I would say, "oh my gosh he's been away from us for 4 months now, or he's been away from us for 6 months now" like as if "he was the scared and lonely one being away from us for that long" but I had to turn it around and remind myself that he probably doesn't even wear a watch where he is, so he doesn't think of it like that. If I believed he was still a baby like he was when he died, then I would be more concerned about who was holding him and taking care of him.. but we know that there aren't any babies in the spirit world and that since he's a grown man, he's doing just fine taking care of himself, and he probably comes to "take care of me" sometimes too.
Reading your post brought me to tears! I love that you are so aware of and honest about your feelings - it inspires everyone.
You're a pretty amazing woman, and I think you are adjusting wonderfully. I would think that if most of us were put in that situation, we'd feel the same way, with a small wish/hope that things would magically be different one day. I am so happy to hear that you're feeling some peace and happiness though, and pray that it continues for you!
Very insightful Lesh. You are amazing and the decorations are so sweet. Remember we all love you and we are praying for you to have peace and hope for a bright future.
Its been 15 months for me and my mind stills wants to change things. I think its normal for us moms to want to fix things...I just want things back to the way it was when my life was "perfect" and normal.
I love what you've done to P's place. So adorable. He's lucky to have such great parents like you and Phil. I sure do love you.
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