Summer is here

Summer is by far my favorite time of year. I love nothing more than sitting at the pool all day getting a tan. After last summer I wondered if summer would ever be the same. We spent a good half of our summer with Pierce in the hospital. A week after he passed Koen went back to school. So much for summer huh?

Well, it is different. I feel like summer will always be filled with thinking of the short 48 days we had with him. However, I am so glad it is summer time when this takes place. I am one whose mood is easily affected by the weather. I know that it being summer when Pierce passed away helped me to still feel joy. I could do things I loved and feel a little bit of happiness amid what was happening. Being summer when I relive our time together helps ease the ache. If it were cold and wintery I might just curl up in a ball in my closet.

I was thinking the days would be filled with memories of last summer. I was right. These last 2 1/2 weeks have been days of memories. Mostly good. Thinking of the time we had with Pierce. On Koen's birthday I remembered that it was that day last year that I first held my baby. 1 week and 1 day old. It was the best feeling. I wish I could feel it again.

Last week we were laying in bed and I told Phil that tomorrow(June 6th) is the day things changed. That is the day they tried to get his MRI. That is the day that began his regular desats. That was the end of him being headed in the right direction. And really the beginning of the end. And I had no idea.

I read back to my posts that talk about "when he comes home" and "when he does -----." I really had no idea. I remember driving from my 2 week appt at Alta View to PCMC(June 8). Phil's grandma had called and told us that he was really not doing well. Phil and I were talking and I remember asking him if he thought he would die. We both came to the agreement that he might have some difficulties to deal with but that he wouldn't die.

Sometimes I still can't believe that thats what we are actually dealing with. Today it has been 11 months. 1 month shy of a whole year with out the lil man. We miss him as much as ever. But the tears are less frequent. The pain a little duller. The love and memory just as strong. I hope it continues just like that.