Emotional

The last few days I have been really emotional. It is actually pretty weird considering I haven't felt that way in  a long time. I am talking like on the verge of tears all through church and my doctors appt yesterday. It reminded me of how I was shortly after Pierce died. Church was almost more than I could bare. It was like all the talk of  "families are forever" and "trials" and "miracles" they were all just too much. It hasn't been like that for a while now so I have no idea why it hit so hard on Sunday.

We were singing a hymn and the words say "why should we morn, or think our lot is hard, tis not so all is well" For some reason it made me well up. Maybe because at this point I am starting to see the truth in that. Before I would have been mad, thinking "pretty sure this is hard and all is not well" HA I can now see that all is well. Maybe not the ideal "well" but life is good.

Yesterday we had an appt with a maternal fetal medicine doctor. We are trying to discuss all our options and seeing what the professionals think is best for when we decide to take the scary but exciting route of having more children. I was a mess of tears as soon as he apologized for our loss and asked the details. I told him " I am sorry, I don't know why I am so emotional." He responded with something about being back in a doctors office and thinking about having another baby probably brings back a lot of memories. Yep probably right there.

This morning when I was on my long run I had quite a long stretch of thinking about my lil man. Someone posted on facebook a quote that I love. "My son died. Today and every day I remember him." It is so true. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him and think about him. Sometimes the thoughts are painful, sometimes they are pleasant, but they are always there.

Today I was thinking about my pregnancy with P and the day I delivered him. Maybe because I had just re hashed all of this with the doctor. I thought about his lack of movement in utero. How when the nurse asked at my prenatal appts "movement still good?" and I would answer "yep, not very much but still the same." It was so infrequent that even my BFF noticed. I wondered if they had decided to have me count kicks or do other testing it they would have found anything. Likely no. Would that have reassured me that all was well, when it really wasn't? But then I remember that I had NO idea anything was amiss as it was. I was totally prepared for my mellow lil man.

The day I delivered P was going crazy. Moving more than he ever had and his heart rate was higher than normal. Makes me think of when the spirit enters to body. I totally think his was there. I think he was nervous for what was to come. Probably not for him but for us. I am sure he was perfectly prepared for his short life. But I wonder if he was sad thinking about how this would affect us. Interesting to think about.

I haven't been going to the cemetery nearly as much lately. As a matter of fact the last time I went(before today) I noticed as I was driving by, before turning in, that someone had brought him a nice plant. "Sweet" I thought. Then as I walked up I realized it was a weed growing behind his headstone that was as tall as Brigs. It had obviously been a while. Now that it is cooling down a little I am excited to do picnics there again. I had a hard time with summer decorations and so pretty much his July stuff was up until today. I love decorating for fall though.

One of my friends had this song's lyrics on her blog. Oh my heck I love it. The day I downloaded it I listened to it on repeat for hours. It is amazing.

On our credit card we have the picture of our three boys. (the one with Pierce's picture in the middle) The other day Phil was using his card and the cashier said something like "cute kids, is the one in the middle on the way?" (weird I know, it isn't a sonogram haha) Phil told him "no he passed away, he is in Heaven." And the guys said "yah say that with confidence." (I think just referring to the lack of belief in a supreme being) Phil said "yep I do." It is funny having that pic there. People look at it and say "cute" or don't know what to say. I mean I wouldn't put it on there if it was a sensitive topic. It is just interesting how it is an awkward thing to talk about for most people. I am sure it was for me 15 months ago too.

I got another new charm. I absolutely love it. It is for my longer chain. I didn't know the lady was making me 3 but I am glad she did I love them all. Jessica at Pink Chandelier is amazing. I also found out when I emailed her to custom order that she too has lost a baby. Far too many, gone far too soon.

Sorry this post it so super random. Just a bunch of thoughts.