I don't know why tonight felt like a good night to re-read all my posts about Pierce's life. Obviously he is on the mind a lot with a newborn in the home and even more so in the Holiday season. I for sure feel the void of him not being here so strongly during the Holidays. It is a time when families gather and spend time together and it is a stark reminder that a piece of ours is missing.
I recently read an article about grieving. I think it was like "x amount of things to know about grieving." One of the things was write down as much as you can about the times you had with your loved one. I instantly thought "I didn't do that!" "I am forgetting everything" Which is beyond silly because we basically have his life documented day by day. Phil's Nana sent emails daily, I updated the blog frequently and I guess that is what made me think about what I had written.
I was overwhelmed with emotion reading my past entries. Grief is such an interesting thing. It has been nearly 2 1/2 years and yet reading these posts put me right back in that place, feeling all those emotions and unable to control the tears.
For a minute I need to be selfish. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I really want him to be here. This isn't fair. I want my family to be all together. I want the past two years I have missed out on. I want to know him like I know my other kids. Simply, I want him.
Now let me be realistic. I know other people have trials too. I know this isn't the only trial we will face. I know that Pierce is happy and free from pain. I know that we will be able to all be together again. It is just crazy how the pain can just sneak in there and hurt and make you mad all over again.
Reading all the peoples comments on my posts where so touching. It was nice to be reminded of all the people who were praying for us and for Pierce. And who felt their hearts ache as ours felt as though they were literally breaking. Thank you for that. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving us and mostly for loving Pierce. Whether you met him or not, he was loved. He is loved.
2 comments:
Hi, I was just going through my blog danielandmichellejensen.blogspot.commissing my Emma tonight with Christams and I just had a baby all of the same reasons you put in your post. I found your comment under the video I made and found your blog. I just wanted you to know your not alone right now. Its been almost three years since my daugther died and I was feeling all of those feelings tonight you mentioned. Grief is so hard that way. Our babies are loved. Michelle Jensen
I have a new blog letterstomyemma.blogspot.com
Oh how I understand these emotions. Holidays seem to tug a little bit more. Love you and your sweet family! Hugs
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