I have to start out by writing that every week at church it seems there is something "just for me." Sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is emotional, sometimes just nice to hear and sometimes all of the above. We debated a little bit about going to our own church yesterday since Phil's brother was blessing his baby and we would be attending their church for that. We decided since we could attend both meetings we may as well. It was definitely meant to be for us to be in our own sacrament.
We had a High Council speaker. I would be lying if I said I look forward to those but from the moment he started talking I knew it was going to be good. His talk was about the Holy Ghost. For sure a good topic for us right now with trying to find comfort and making decisions about the future. He gave a few stories that were really interesting, but the one that hit home was his experience in having a baby pass away from SIDS. The tears flowed in amounts that would make you think I was dumping buckets down my face. I just hung my head so my hair covered and quietly sobbed. The interesting thing was I didn't feel the pain when I was crying. I was sad. Sad for him and sad for me, but I didn't get the knots in my stomach like usual. Afterward Phil thanked him for his talk and told him how much we needed it. I am really glad we went to both churches.
Now on to the funny story...Shortly after the funeral my sister in law who is single was in Relief Society, the lesson was on Eternal Families. Of course the closing song was Families Can Be Together Forever. She started crying because that song was sang the day we blessed Pierce and his cousins sang it at his funeral. We laugh about it because she says she is sure everyone thought she was crying because she is single.
Well a similar thing happened to me yesterday. Our Relief Society lesson was on Post Mortal Life. I knew this before hand as I had 1- read my lesson and 2- my mom taught this lesson in her ward a few weeks ago. I thought it might be hard but was actually really looking forward to hearing someone else's input on this topic since I have been trying to read up on it all I can. Well my brother in law was trying to get into our clubhouse because we were doing there after blessing get together there and our key wouldn't work. So about 10 minutes into the lesson I get up and leave. As I am walking out I am thinking... I am sure everyone thinks I am leaving cause I cant handle the lesson. I don't know why this bugs me. I feel like if that were the real reason why I left then it wouldn't be a big deal but since it is not I feel embarrassed. I feel like I don't want people like judging my grief or something. Weird I know... Anyway it just reminded me of Missy's story and made me laugh.
A few random thoughts....
*I started insanity workouts today. WOW...they are pretty intense. Hopefully doing them I will be able to lose the 10lbs hanging around!
*I deleted my Facebook. A lot of people have asked about it or said they couldn't find me...that is why. :)
6 comments:
That is the best about M! XO
Isn't interesting that we care about how other people perceive our emotions? In choir a while ago I had a solo for consider the lilies and every time a certain line would choke me up and I would turn into a leaky faucet and a fog horn. Then I would feel the need to explain myself. Always good times.
What are you thoughts on insanity? I need something for winter time.
I just love your posts. Keep up the good work. It helps in the healing process I bet. You are going to look back on these writings and be so glad you have them to remember just how you felt each day. Love ya
I love reading your blog. All of your stories and thoughts are great! And you really are an inspiration for me - I hope that some day I can be as strong as you. :)
Alesha,
I have been thinking about you ever since you left your comment. I'd love to email you, will you send me your email address? Mine is behkawhite@hotmail.com. I have loved reading through your blog. You are stronger than you think you are:)
Behka
I really need to delete my fb. the only reason I haven't is because there are some really good, nice people from my old ward, especially who I've been having these ongoing conversations with... and also I communicate with a couple other people that way when I need to cancel things like piano appts or whatnot.. I know... I should just get their emails, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. I sure hate getting on and the first thing I see is a girl's baby who was born shortly after Joshu, and she's showing how she's starting to walk, and yada yada.. It just feels like such a slap in the face to me.. I want to say to them--Hello! Do you realize that you are posting all these pics and I can see them and how do you think it makes me feel?? but the truth is, that they don't even think about that, or me... especially not this person because because she's never experienced a loss like that at all... so I should just get off.. I would actually like people to say.. "hmm where are you". Anyway though, sometimes people would get up and talk about how their baby was in the NICU and this and that, or their baby was sick... and they would be crying at the pulpit, and Salesi would take my hand... and I'm like... "uhhh this doesn't make me sad, it makes me mad!" I guess he would think.. "oh this is hard for her to listen to a story about another sick baby, it will bring back memories.. " but to me it's more like... "okay, enough already... you got to bring your baby home so it's not that bad"... which I know. I'm mean. Maybe I am bitter. Well of course I'm upset my baby died and theirs didn't. But yes, I do worry about what people think of my "grieving" or maybe I don't because I'm "too honest" in my blog
Post a Comment