I feel like I may be transitioning out of the mad stage. I have felt really mad for the past two months. Mostly just mad that this happened to me. Mad that my plans aren't going accordingly. Not that I would ever want this to happen to anyone else, but seriously ME? I have found myself accepting over the past few days that things are not going to change and that being mad and feeling like poor picked on me isn't really helping. Now instead of saying "it's not fair" and "why me?" I have moved on to "it is stupid" everything is just stupid. haha I know it isn't much better, but at least I am realizing it isn't supposed to be fair right? For now I feel like I am ok to think it is dumb. It is dumb that things like this have to happen to anyone. Hopefully next I will move on to fully accept the unfair and the stupid. ;)
I have often thought how grateful I am to have my other two kids. I cant even begin to imagine if I didn't have them to distract me and to love on. However, sometimes I find it really hard to grieve with them around. Somedays I want to just lie around and cry but that really isn't an option. Somedays I just want to read other mom's blogs who have lost babies and see how they deal with, realize they feel that same way I do. BUT I don't want to feel like my kids are getting the shaft and that I am not enjoying every moment with them. It is just hard to sometimes. Somedays I was to just feel bad for myself that I lost a baby and not have the "at least you have two other kids" comments. Having 2 other kids doesn't change the fact that I miss the 1. I miss Pierce.
Which is what it really boils down to lately. I just miss him. I want to hold him. I want to rock him. I want to sing him a lullaby. I want him to cry all night long and keep me up. I want to nurse him. I want to smooch him. I just want and miss him. It is really hard for me to think about how that doesn't really go away. It isn't like i'll just wake up one day and not miss him. Will I really ache and miss him forever? That seems somewhat unbearable.
My mom had this sweet picture of her and my dad with Pierce on her blog. I had never seen it. Make it big and look at his cute little face.
Sure love you buddy!
9 comments:
That picture of your parents with Pierce, I love. They are such beautiful people. I know I don't know them, but I know that because of who you are you came from special parents.
I am so sorry for the thoughtless and stupid comments you get from people, who think they are being helpful but perhaps just need to be slapped with reality.
As I was reading about how it is hard for you to mourn around your boys the thought came to me that it must be so hard that it is ridiculous having children who are still with you one earth working on the same part of eternity as you are and having a child who has already passed the test and is on the other side of the veil. How I wish for you that the veil could be pulled back for just a bit so that you might see him and know he is happy and perhaps know what the time is like for him right now and tell him how much you love him one more time.
I hope today as you remember your precious precious boy that you may experience sunshine, and know how much you are loved, admired and thought of.
Hey, I came from Gina's blog, I don't know if you remember me, I was her friend in Pittsburgh. I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss.
Lesh- You are such a good writer. I hope you continue to journal your thoughts. I agree it is stupid!!! Sometimes humor helps me so after reading this I thought of you. Hopefully this quote will make you smile if only for a minute or two.
"unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck"
For just today instead of feeling sorry for yourself just accept that it SUCKS!! =P Know I am here if you ever need water, sugar or a shoulder to cry on. Love ya!!!
Look at that beautiful baby boy. I agree with the above comment. Keep writing, I feel priveledged to be able to read your blog. xoxo
I've been thinking about you all day. it really does suck and is dumb. no one should have to go through what you are. so sorry Alesha.
Oh that picture is precious! His little face is so sweet! Such a tiny little guy. That picture makes me want to hold him and I agree that is so unfair and really stupid that we can't! Thanks for writing your thoughts, you teach me so much.
I love all the pictures.. they are are awesome!! can't wait to come see your face in Dec and give you a big hug!! love you to pieces!
I sometimes want to say to people who have many kids, "oh just be grateful for the kids you still have cause I don't have any now!"m but I know that is stupid, because if I were to lose 1 of 1000 friends, I wouldn't think... "well good thing I still have my other 999 friends." I would still be so sad over that loss and miss that perticular friend. Just know that it WILL get easier. Okay. It might not seem like it does for a long, long time. I mean, who am I to talk? One of my favorite songs has always been, "the sun will come out tomorrow". Yeah. Super cheesy, but even after a seemingly REALLY hard week of non-stop crying and feeling sick and hurting, the sun DOES come out sooner or later. Hang in there.
Oh how I love this picture! I totally understand about the having other kids thing and people thinking that will make it all better and it is hard to grieve because they are there and you dont want to hurt them more. I think that affected me to the point that I still am grieving trying to get it all out. You are a strong mama and your boys are beautiful! Ill keep praying for you!
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