I have had a few "P Moments" in the last few days that I want to remember.
-I dont know if I mentioned that 2 of Phil's sisters and 1 of their husbands gave the whole family bracelets that say "Pierce is Fierce" at our family reunion in August. My other sister in law had just had a baby and they wanted us to know that no one was going to forget about Pierce. I literally had not taken mine off since I put it on that August night. Two days ago I was changing and the sleeve on my shirt was tight and pulled it off. I almost had a come apart. I literally had to take deep breathes and realize I could just put it right back on. It was really interesting how crazy it made me feel. I made myself a different version around Christmas time that is a little fancier. Same words, just a stamped metal instead of plastic I thought I would replace it for my day to day wearing but really I just can't take it off. It went right back on.
-There is this girl at the gym in our spin class who is pregnant. We have talked a few times and I have found out she is due in May. Almost the same time P was born. Today I asked her again if she was due in May, cause she is so teeny. She said she was and I told her I had a baby in May last year and I was way bigger than that. (see here, she is literally half the size) Anyway, we went on to clean our bikes and she said "Your baby is a good sleeper so you can get here in the morning?" I said "Ya, he is, he is an angel" Inside I laughed because, really he is..an angel. But also because I literally love pretending life is how I thought it would be. It is like when you a kid and you play house. Things go as you want them too. Sometimes I like to play house still. haha She continued to ask a few questions about how many kids I had, and their ages. It was really just kinda fun to pretend.
-Then on the way home I of course pass the cemetery. I thought I noticed yesterday during passing that all the graves were cleared. Today I made a quick turn in to make sure my suspicions were right. They were. It resulted in me bursting out in tears. I haven't been over there for a while. I kept thinking I needed to go and take down his Valentines stuff. Just seeing it all empty is sad. I need to have a zillion things on there so everyone knows how loved my baby is.
5 comments:
Can I just tell you that I love that you post about Pierce! You are so strong and I love reading about your feelings! It makes me look at life in a whole new light!
I love the bracelets! And can totally understand the frantic panic when it fell off.
So when I read about your conversation with your gym buddy, I wanted to laugh and cry. Laugh because you are so good with how you word things. I love reading your stories, you make me feel less crazy and I just love to read about P. After all, he is hanging with my Teagan! I love ya Alesha, you are awesome!
Its nice to pretend sometimes huh.. and sometimes easier to do so then tell someone your baby is in heaven and get that blank, scared stare when they dont know what to say. Hugs mama!
The first your of your "new normal life" is always the hardest, then those dates that you never forget... The list gose on. But I found that the first year........... So hard. I'm so glad that you go to your son's grave, I haven't been to my children's graves in months... I guess its the feeling of falure.. I too love that you talk about your son, and he is always closer when you do. Many ((Hugs)) from one Angel Mom to another.
I am cracking up about you telling that lady your baby is "an angel" and that you laughed inside and had a normal conversation about her other questions...your cute sis!!!
Post a Comment