Waves

Grief comes in waves. Some waves are bigger than others and some hit harder. It feels as those most of the time now I am riding soft gentle waves with the occasional large wave. Today is a large wave. I am not even sure why, but I just miss him so much. I had to go cry my eyes out in the shower. I haven't done that in a while. And trust me it use to be an everyday occurrence.

It is such a terrible feeling missing someone and knowing no end to that missing. I think that is what makes it physically hurt for me.  I think even knowing that it would be weeks, months or even years could make the pain less, just putting a time frame on it. But it is unknown. And likely and hopefully in many other aspects will be decades. Thinking about that, just plain old hurts.

There are a lot of things that make me think about the way things are "supposed" to be. They use to hit me hard all the time but now it is more of a shock when they do. The few things that have hit me harder than expected recently are:
-putting Brigs clothes away. Knowing that I wont be getting them out again for a long time, if ever. What I was planning was moving them from one closet to the next.
-Baby pictures of my boys. They are almost painful to look at. But it is like the train wreck you can't look away from. It makes me want SO bad to see Pierce right now. To have pictures of him in all stages, not just 7 weeks and under.
-Today I got out my St Patrick's days stuff. It is in the same bin as Easter stuff. I had to hold back the tears as I looked at the Easter basket I bought last year for little Pierce who was healthily growing in my ever protruding belly. And also the other baskets I bought for what I hoped would be future children.

I had no idea what I would be living in a few short months. No idea. I know it may seem silly for a couple of Easter baskets to make me so sad. However it really is just a stark reminder that things don't go as planned. And they didn't for me. And they still aren't. It isn't like we can just pick up were we left off and "try again." No one will ever replace him. He will always be missing from out little family. It is just bizarre to me how some days I feel at peace with that and others it is just unbearable. Luckily we are having more of the first kind. I know days like today don't last forever. But they sure hurt when they are here.