I know I always say that there are days I just wish things could really be different. Different in having my baby here and healthy. Today I got an email from Amazon about my "9-12 month old." Those are the times different gets stuck in my mind. What things would be like, how they would be different. When I sit and think about things too much I get a sick feeling. It is hard to want something so bad but know it isn't going to be any different.
I watched some videos today of when we would take Koen to the hospital and he would sing all his little songs to P. Me just sitting there rocking him, Koen singing, can I please relive that? Koen came down the other night after I had put him to bed and I was looking at some pictures of Pierce. He said "Mom those were the best days" I said "those were good huh?" He replied "I wish we could live those days forever." He speaks exactly what I feel.
Brigs has been so into babies lately. My friend came over with her baby and he wanted to hold her, love her, carry her, play with her. Although it is very cute, it really makes me feel so sad. He should have that everyday. He should be driving me crazy on a daily basis wanting to do those things with his OWN baby. I want things to be different for him.
My little nephew Vince, I have mentioned a few times (born a week after P passed) just started crawling. When I see him I want SO BAD for things to be different. I want my little P man to be here crawling. Then I remember that if he was here he wouldn't be doing that and that breaks my heart more.
I have surprisingly kept two plants alive that I got after Pierce passed away. I am horrible at caring for plants. The one I have kept on my kitchen table for the past 8 1/2 months has been barely hanging on for at least 3 months. I just couldn't get it in me to throw it away. For a while I felt like I HAD to keep it alive. I finally managed to let it go yesterday. I know it may sound silly but I am proud of myself. I took good care of the plant for a long time, I tried to keep it alive, really hard, but it was dying. I thought for a long time that I had to keep it alive because it reminded me of Pierce and he couldn't be alive so this plant needed to be. I guess I am just proud that I was able to let it die. Weird, right?
Thinking about things being different really only makes me sad, but for some reason it is just inevitable.
5 comments:
Oh, how I can't wait to "live those days forever."
One day. One day we'll all be together. I can't wait to lift her up just as I laid her down.
She was so beautiful in her white dress. She'll be the most exquisite thing I have ever seen the day she's back in my arms.
I propose we form the "celestial baby play-group" for when all the angel baby moms get their angels back. Then we can talk and laugh together while our little ones play at our feet!
And live those days forever.
{Well, till they grow up, of course. :)}
I, too, want things to be different SOOO badly. I want our boys to be looking at each other as they sit on the floor and accidentally poking each other in the eye and scratching each other in the face because they have no control over their little hands. I miss Pierce so much!!! I look at his pictures and want to touch him and see him move and blink. It makes my heart ache. I want to see B singing him songs and showing him all his toys. Like you said, I know thinking these things just makes me sad and long for something I cant change, but I cant help it for some reason. I think about him and you EVERY day. Love you!
I want to relive those days too. I want my innocence happy life back. Koen is too adorable, I love when my kids say things like that regarding Beck.
Funny thing you mentioned the plant thing. I probably got 20 plants when Beckett died. First, I do NOT have a green thumb. I kill any plant that I look at. But I felt so desperate to keep each and every plant alive. My mom even took turns taking the plants back to her house to rejuvenate them :) Anyways, I am down to 3 plants left but then are doing great...but I have to grieve after every plant died. I'm weird. I felt like I couldn't keep anything alive everything a plant died :(
Thinking about you. Trying to imagine what things would be like are hard...that doesn't ever get easier I think. I still do it every day.
Koen is the sweetest thing!
And I agree with Amy. Completely. I can't wait for that play group. To be able to hold them forever. THAT is what heaven is!
I wish for things to be different all the time also. Its just part of the territory I think. Maybe its weird, but sometimes I like to just sit back and imagine I am holding her. Sometimes I can also smell her sweet baby smell. Doesn't change anything, but I can't help the longing.
Im so sorry! I totally understand this. You write it right out of my head it seems. Heaven seems so far and long away but what a day itll be! Praying for you on this hard journey!
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