Today I am just hating {it} Whatever {it} is. The fact that this is my life. The fact that I will likely live 60 years with out one of my children.(and hopefully only 1!) The fact that everyone else grows up but to me I still have a little infant. The fact that my baby is missing out on so much. The fact that I am missing out on watching him do everything. The fact that everyone else is doing everything. The fact that this is all a FACT! Nothing I can do can change that.
Really that last fact is what gets me most. I CAN NOT CHANGE THIS. I told Phil this morning that right now I am back to wishing this wasn't happening to me. I wish I was feeling sorry for someone else instead of for myself. I feel like I have been excepting this new life fairly well for the last while but all the sudden I just feel so angry about it again. It makes me feel so angry when I think about living my life always wishing it could be different. That he could be here. That our family was complete. That he wasn't missing.
Yesterday we did an Easter egg hunt at my inlaw's house. My cute father in law (Pierce's middle name sake) is always thinking of Pierce. It really makes me so happy. He will randomly say things about thinking about him, he wears his "Pierce is Fierce" bracelet everyday, etc. Yesterday while the kiddos were Easter egg hunting he said to the kids "Here is a pile of Easter bunnies" then he leaned over and handed me one and said "I got one for Pierce, I didn't want to leave him out, he is my buddy." It was like instant water works. I LOVE when people remember and include him. Who knows what we will do with that little bunny but it literally made my night.
On the note of last nigh, it is things like that where I just wish I could see the P man crawling around getting into everything. Seeing people dote over his cute little baby self. It just bring more of the stab of "this is it, not gonna change." grrr.
One of my good friends from school had her first baby pass away from SIDS. She told me this probably when I was pregnant with Brigs. I remember thinking, that is sad and the classic "I can't imagine." Now thinking about her and realizing that she did and does feel like I feel now is crazy. It it so something you only can get if you are forced to live it.(I am sure like other "I can't imagines") We talked for a bit tonight and I expressed how it bugs me that I'll always think and wonder about him. She of course said that is true because she still does and her son would be 29.
It totally bugs that in 19 years when all my cute little neighbor boys and nephew are preparing for a mission I will be thinking, "awe Pierce would be doing that" or when they get married and have kids i'll wish Pierce was here to do that too. I just don't imagine that going away. Of course not being as constant but it just bugs.
60 years with out someone you love just seems like eternity. I can't wait to see what real eternity feels like when our family is reunited. I miss you baby.
8 comments:
I am sorry you are feeling this, but it is totally normal and I have felt it a thousand time in the last two years. I feel like almost every other trial that I might be faced with, can be overcome and could be put behind me. Word of Wisdom problems, divorce, infidelity of a spouse, the list could go on. I get angry when I think that I am never going to overcome wishing that my daughter had not died that morning. Never going to wish that she werent here with me. I feel like it is just something that we have to endure and sometime I get super PISSED!!!! Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am not a faithful enough saint or maybe it is just human nature for us as imperfect human mothers to feel like this. I have felt everything that you just wrote about and it doesnt feel fair does it? Thinking of you. xoxo
Jordan
I am in total agreement. I hate this! The cycles kick ya in the butt. That lady that coordinates the support group I attend here in PA lost her daughter 40+ years ago. The hurt is always there. She cycled through all the emotions on her daughter's 40th birthday. Its like crap! I have longer than I have been alive to keep on dealing with all these emotions.
Your father in law sounds just amazing! That is so sweet of him to always remember Pierce, I don't think a lot of people realize just how much it means. Love ya Lesh!
Love reading these posts and I love you. I am so glad I am married to you. I'm so happy I can share life and the roller coaster it is with you. I wish I could do more for you about Pierce. I wish he was here too.
Phil
First of all the comment from your hubby is so tender and sweet! It made me tear all up as did this post. It makes perfect sense to me. I often feel like I shouldnt feel that way beacuse I am 3.5 years out at this point but some days the hurt is just as bad and so is the missing. You are so right! Its not fair. Im sorry you know and are traveling this road. I think of Pierce and your sweet family often! Hugs mama!
Love you Lesh! xxoxoxo
I'm so sorry. Everytime I read your posts about Pierce I start to cry. I hope you know we're still thinking about you and missing your beautiful baby, too. Love you guys.
I'm glad you found my blog so that I could come over here and read this. My heart has been aching for you and I never had a way to tell you. I think of you and your sweet little Pierce often...I hope you know how much we all love and care about you...
I hate to transition to this...but you need a brothers sign for your boys...I got the vinyl at a vinyl shop in the southtowne mall. It's down at the end where the play area and the train are at.
Ya know, this might sound cruel.. but as so many friends and people my age around me are having more and more kids... (and like it doesn't make it hard that EVERYONE who had a baby around the time Joshua was born, has recently had or soon to have their SECOND baby... but o well. get over it right.) Anyway so I always think to myself, "just wait. one of your kids WILL die YOUNG." Does that sound cruel?? I'm not wishing it on them... (or am I??) it still is hard to see them so happy with their new baby and even have some of them say things like, "oh we feel so blessed and we haven't really had any trials in our life..." I seriously think, watch out because it's going to happen to at least one of them, I mean that's how it works. I still hate getting on FB and seeing those kids that are the same age. I seriously want to be like, "HOW RUDE of you to post this about your kid when you KNOW or should REMEMBER that I don't have my kid around doing these things.. man--they are already "KIDS" yeah sad, Joshua would of had his first day of nursery last week. And my sister texted me to remind me. Thanks!
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