Saturday was 10 months since we had our sweet Pierce with us. You want to know what is CRAZY?!?! I didn't even know it came and went. (pause...gasp...) I know right? I am shocked. I just realized TODAY, that is was on Saturday. Phil had the day off and it was busy. Running, bike riding, lots of errands, yard work, Phil's party. I of course thought of Pierce numerous times during the day but never realized it was his 10 months Angel day. Weird, right?
This month I feel like I can only really think about his birthday. I have only been thinking and counting down the days to his birthday. His Angel day didn't even cross my mind. I am actually ok with that. Although I want to celebrate his Angelversary each year, I am hoping over time to not have that day be as hard each month. This was a good start.
I have been thinking all day everyday about how I should have a 1 year old next week. Every where I go I look at babies who are 1. I think what my 1 year old would be doing. This month I have felt a lot of "daggers." Some I can think of...
*My hospital mug. I got it out to use the other day. I took it everyday while we visited Pierce. It makes me think of all the memories associated with that time.
*Mothers Day. Last year I was huge and pregnant and expecting to be a Mother again. I hated this picture last year, and for good reason, but now I kinda think it is special. I have all 3 babies with me in 1 pic.
*The "1" onsie. I walked in P's closet the other day to see it hanging there. I want him here so bad to wear it.
*Clothes. Clothes I wore at the end of my pregnancy or all the times we visited the hospital.
*Little baby brothers. Brigs seriously needs one. He is such a huge baby, haha.
*Families Can Be Together Forever. Seriously, I think my ward sings this song every other week. We have probably sang it 20+ times since he passed away. Guess what the kids sang on Mothers day?
*The 20+ perfectly healthy babies born in my ward since Pierce. Seriously? That's when it becomes hard not to think "Why me?"
*P's rose bush. It is ready to bloom, has tons of buds. Reminds me of when I got it and such.
*P's temp stone. We have been finishing some things in our backyard and found a spot for P's temp stone. I love it. But it reminds me that this is my life. He isn't here. He isn't coming back.
I wanted to put it in the front next to P's rose bush, Phil thought that was a little much. ;) I agreed.
It just seems like I am more sensitive to the things around and them sparking my memory. So many little daggers around. However, I notice they don't go "as deep."
So far this month hasn't been as bad as I imagined. I have had a few break down sobs just because I want him to be here so bad! I can't believe he would be one. I can't believe I have lived 10 months without him and mostly I can't believe how many more month there will be until we meet again. Seems so unfathomable.
My sweet neighbors ( who are also my visiting teachers) came by with a treat yesterday. Serious Renee? who are you? These are so cute! I for sure thought she must have bought them! Nope she made them! And it took her all day. (she also created these beauts) Thank you for always remembering Pierce. The treats, the texts, the calls, they mean more than I can say. She didn't even know that cake bites/pops are my favorite. Not much beats those in my book! And they are yummy! The cute dog says "I'm one" and sings a song. I love it.
6 comments:
Hugs and kisses XOXO
I hate it too. Hate, hate, hate it. It's not fair.
Mother's Day just kinda sucks, at least for now. Even with another baby on the way, it was still hard this year. Last year I didn't even go to church.
We will always have this eternal perspective that other moms can't possibly understand. We look forward to when this life is over. We can't wait for the Savior to come again. Those days aren't looked upon with fear, but with hope and anticipation.
Yeah, we still gotta live our lives and all that hard, crappy stuff. But someday the unfairness will all be over and everything, everything will be perfect.
Will definitely be thinking of you as next week rolls around ((hugs))
This time of the year can be so hard. It really hits us in the face that we are going on without our children...be gently on yourself. Remember that Pierce would want you to celebrate his birth/time here with you, its hard I know :(
I agree with Amy, I don't fear this life being over. I am really looking forward to the Savior coming again. Seriously, just this week I was talking about it with my MIL and she was saying that she isn't quite ready for it, there are still things she wants to do with family, etc. I was like, "lets do it tomorrow!" haha. It will be a wonderful day when the Resurrection is here and there is no more death. I hate it too!
I feel your pain sis...I "hate" things in my life too...that will just never go away....But I do love you, I love pierce and I love that in just one week I get to make him a giant cupcake for his birthday!!! Oh unless you want too of course!!!
What cute things Renee made. I like where you put the temp stone with his rose bush. Although I don't think people would object to it being in the front yard :).
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