When I really sit down and think a year ago I had a baby. That baby died. It has been over 10 months since I saw him/held him. My boys lost their brother. He isn't coming back. This really happened. Still isn't a dream. This isn't going away. I just feel mad. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to miss someone everyday forever. I don't want to always think about how things "should be." Oh I hate this. I hate that this is my life. (Phil hates when I say that. :) Because seriously there are so many good things, I know I realize that, I guess I should say I hate this aspect of my life. ;)
But seriously. I know everyone has trials. I get it. I don't want anyone else's either. But I still don't want my own. Some trials go away. Some don't. The ones that don't really really suck. I guess I just don't understand how you get better from things that don't go away. When I think about my life including losing my child will I always be mad? Will I always hate that part? I can't imagine ever not. But I also can't imagine feeling "mad" about it forever. I know being mad doesn't change anything. It's like I just can't accept it. I don't want to, because I hate it.
A couple days ago a friend of mine said something about her friends losing her baby 5 years ago. I don't ever want it to be 5 years ago. I don't like that it's nearing a year. I don't want it to be that long since I saw him, held him, loved on him, hoped he'd be fine, anticipated him coming home etc. I don't want people to stop thinking and talking about him because it's been "so long." I don't want to forget anything.
When I stop and think about it all, it seriously stresses me out. I think about having another baby, which practically warrants an anxiety attack. Say that baby actually lives. Will people think I am "all better?" I wont be that is for sure. I lost a belt years ago, I got a new one but I still miss that belt. Seriously, that is a belt, this is a human, my baby. Then I think what if it doesn't live? "I can't do this again," my mind says. But my body aches to hold my own baby again. What if it happens again? What if one of the other bazillion things other BLM's have suffered from happens? Then I have to take a step back and realize there is risk in everything. But then if I think on that one too much I could go crazy. We'd never drive, I'd never run or ride my bike, Phil wouldn't go to work, no vacations, my kids definitely wouldn't take baths or play outside etc etc.
So then I always end of thinking, focus on the positive, live life, enjoy it, do your best. Good motto right? Yep, until again it hits me my baby died, he isn't coming back. And then I am back to mad. It sure is a good thing this process takes weeks, ;)
The things a grieving mom thinks and feels are seriously interesting, weird, crazy, and often morbid. I would have never imagines thinking and feeling some of the things I do. At least I have other BLM's who I can talk to, blog with and send crazy text's to and know they feel the same thing too. ;) I know it gets better. It already has in some ways. I just don't understand how it does.
One thing I definitely do love right now is this pendant I got from in our heart photo pendants. I am completely smitten with it.
8 comments:
Alesah, I love you! It is like you are in my head. I have a bunch of things I need to blog (like pics of kids etc) but I have a lot of emotions that need to get out, and I didn't have the words for them. Well, you just about covered them. I hate this too. I hate having this trial that will never go away. (and I hate that some people don't get that it doesn't go away). Thank you for your post tonight, you make me feel less alone!
I have definitely felt all of this. I really thought that there was no way I would even make it to 5 years without my son. Nor did I want to make it that long without him. I fought my emotions so hard a year ago...I didn't want to except that he was gone and never, ever coming back (until...) but at some point I did, I understood that things were always going to be different and I needed to learn to be "OK" with that. I have accepted that part of my grief. Not to say that I still don't have days where I plead for things to be un-done. I know that you don't want to hear the generic line "it will get better one day" but I can say that at some point your heart will catch up to your mind and you will just understand things differently. ((hugs))
LOVE the pendant, going to check out the website :)
Oh my gosh, the anxiety of having another baby is insane. Priesthood blessings have gotten me through this far. There were times I would just ball because I was so afraid of losing this one too.
It's so hard to move on after having been broken so badly. It almost feels like I've been disappointed (understatement) so much in my life that it isn't possible for something to actually work out the way I want it to. It just won't. What I want doesn't matter.... which of course, we know this is a great, big, fat lie.
I'm still trying to keep that in mind: know where the fear comes from and that what I want DOES matter to our Heavenly Father.
And yes, trials that don't go away are the worst. The WORST. Our boy is coming and he's healthy. But sometimes, I just want my girl.
P.S. I love your pendant too. :)
You are so sweet!! And have such an amazing way with words! I still feel like people think im "over it" since we had Landon and yes it does help but it never takes the pain away. There is always that missing piece of your heart!!! I love the pendant. Arent they AMAZING!! Big hugs mama!
Alesha,
you don't know me or my story, but I lost my baby boy Emerson when I was 23 weeks pregnant. I recently reached out to Jennie, but have yet to reach out to any other BLM until now. I have been following your blog since right after I lost my baby in December and your words have been so comforting to me. I too wish I didn't have to live with this trial. I feel like Jennie when I say it's like you are writing exactly what I am thinking and feeling. Its like I want to copy and paste your post to my blog so people that read it know how I feel. How crazy my emotions are from day to day. I don't want to be this person either I want to be holding my sweet baby boy. Since I won't be I am grateful for other Mom's like you who I can relate too. (although I wish this didn't happen to any of us. :( ) anyways thank you for being so honest and open on your blog your words have helped me immensely. Sending you and your family love!
Love your new pendant. You can have him right close to your heart. I think about sweet Pierce all the time. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way, but it is okay. I know this sounds weird, but I feel the same way for you. I wish that you didn't have to go through this and I wish that he was here. I love you to death. Always have. You are such an awesome person.
Oh sis...I hate hate hate this for you too!!!! I so wish pierce was here and that your heart did not have to ache. It is a horrible feeling to have a broken heart and there are always those little pains that remind you that it is broken...not fun!!! I love you and we love Peirce so much! he is and always will be in our hearts...never forgotten!!!
Love you, hate that you are going through all of this. I really do like that pendant of Pierce. Such a nice way to keep him close.
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