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It is crazy because I never imagined myself at this stage at this point in my life. 2 {earthly} kids, no naps, no diapers, self sufficient in many way, and only a year away from both kids being in elementary. Sometimes I wonder how we got here, and if we really want to go back. Then I try to imagine if Pierce was here {and healthy}. He would be 19 months. Would we be ready to add another one to our little family? We've always known he wasn't our last. I would be in full blown baby/toddler mode.
We are in such a different place because he is not here and because we haven't felt the time right to have another. We have traveled like crazy. Probably seen more places in the last 18 months than we would have seen in the next 5-10 years. It has been like therapy for us, and we've loved every minute of it. I feel like we have gone a totally different route than staying in baby/family building mode. I feel like we have gotten out of the "baby" mode. We enjoy doing things with our kids being bigger. There are definite perks of being out of baby mode.
I look at people who have kids that are Pierce's age and can't even see myself doing that right now. It was like, before when he was a baby and I would see people with babies, I longed for that, knew that was what I was supposed to be doing. Now so much time as passed. Pierce isn't an 18 month old to me. I can't even imagine him that way. I try, but it just doesn't come. For some reason to me he will always be a baby or an adult. Those are the only ways I see him. A beautiful baby in a fragile and sick body or a handsome man in a perfect body.
The other day as Phil and I were getting ready the song Beautiful Heartbreak came one. I told Phil after listening to it for a bit that I "didn't feel that way." I would trade it all if things could be different. I love where I am at in life, I love who I am becoming, I love what we've done. I know that Pierce's life and death have greatly influenced that but I would TOTALLY and FORSURE trade it for him to be here. Do you think you could ever really feel that way {never want to trade because of the new view you have} when it involves the death of a loved one? I don't.
It's hard to know where to go from here. It's hard to imagine not having any more children, but at the same time it is hard to want to start over. I can't even begin to explain how glad I am that we have waited. {I really thought I wanted a baby like 2 months after he passed} I am in such a better place emotionally. I've had time to learn that I am strong. Time to see I can do hard things. I have given myself time to heal. Time to realize the pain does lessen. Time to see the pain won't ever go away. and time to understand that I don't ever really want it to. Time has definitely been good for us, for me.
4 comments:
I love the song Beautiful Heartbreak but I'm 100% with you on wishing there was anything I could do to have Gabe here and not have learned so much.
I haven't seen your blog for so long and this post made me miss you so much, my friend. Sure love ya.
Such a hard question.. I like finally being able to relate to people and feel that maturity that I didn't have before in my life, before Joshua died... Knowing and understanding pain on a deep level and having that connection with others or movies, books etc, just like with every experience you add it to your repertoire and it makes you who you are... HOWEVER yes I do just mostly wish that it never happened...because it has also very much distant me from family and friends and it's hard dealing with a traumatic event like that and the aftermath that just never goes away...always seems like no matter how much time goes by I always find myself made of broken glass that people have to carefully walk over...and it bugs me that thats the way it is. I am also glad that we didn't rush into having another baby...of course kinda with your situation--it would have been stupid for us to do so and we could have ended up with more heartbreak.
I stop by your blog sometimes too. :) I loved this post and how honest it is. I still have conflicting feelings and thoughts and I don't know if they will ever get resolved. My baby's due date is in April and I'll be 17 weeks, around the time I lost her. And I wonder if at that point I can figure stuff out. Or maybe it can't happen until this baby gets here. Or maybe it will never happen. I guess we truly don't know until we know. And not knowing right now is totally okay. It sounds like you guys are enjoying life and that's what's important. :)
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