So the last Sunday in April I had a full on meltdown. We started letting word out after we had our Ultrasound at Fetal Studio. I am really getting bigger and it was just making way around my neighborhood especially. The night before (Saturday) we had been to a BBQ with some neighbors when one of them asked "Did I hear some news about you?" and from there everyone there knew.
Fast forward to church the next day. I had told all my friends that I wouldn't be making a "good news moment" announcement nor would I be writing my pregnancy in the book. For some reason, that is just too much. So when the book came around and my friend asked "did you write in it?" I of course shook my head no. Then she asked if she could which I more fervently shook my head no. But for some reason while I am sitting there thinking about it I just felt so much anxiety. I know it isn't something I can keep a secret much longer but feeling like only a small controlled group knows seems manageable. Thinking that EVERYONE knows and there is no going back on telling them gives me anxiety.
When we came home from church Phil was like "little grumpy or what?" I told him I was and I wasn't sure why so lets not talk about it. Then about 5 minutes later I broke out, "I need you to stop telling people it's a girl." {who knows where that came from! haha} I had so many emotions and apparently that was on the top. I explained to him that I don't want to tell people that and have them be overly excited for me and then find out its a boy and have them feel bad for me. It's not like they will feel bad for Phil, it will be me. I can hear it "Oh sad, Alesha thought she was having a girl and it another boy. :(" When really I would have been fine if they told me it was a boy, I'd be even more fine if someone could promise me I could bring this baby home.
Anyway we talked{aka I bawled} the whole way to his parents house about how it all really boils down to just being scared. It is scary having my buis out there. Having people talk to me about it and knowing that things could go south again at any moment. It's not like I want to be all alone if things do though either. Man it is just this whole weird grief thing, it jumbles up all the things in my mind. Anyway I am happy to say that these days don't hit often. I feel like a lot of days I can just go on telling myself most people have healthy babies, most times it works out, I've done it twice I can do it again, etc. It's just somedays I remember what happened, I try to fathom doing it {or some other form} again and it's just too much.
So on Friday{16w4d} I was hanging out with one of my best good neighbor friends. Her neighbor across the street works in L&D at Alta View. She had told me before that she had a friend that was really good at checking gender and would ask her if she would do it for me. Well when talked to Katie she said that both her and said friend were working that night, and that I could totally come in. I didn't tell her I had been to Fetal Studio or that I had any idea. About 9 I headed over there. It was fun once again to see baby 4 on ultrasound. I just love it. The movements I feel are so few and far between right now that I always feel good when I see it. She immediately said boy and showed me the "3 lines" and absence of a penis. I never did tell her she was my 2nd opinion. ;) She printed me a few pics too.
Of course I felt confident in the girl factor for about 15 hours. ;) Then the next day I was looking at the pics she printed for me and the "potty shot" fully looks like a boy! WTH?!?! haha I showed it to Phil and he was like "ya that is weird." In other words you are totally right! haha The weird thing is that it never looked like that on the screen during the ultrasound so who knows what is going on with the pic. So, no I am back to unbelieving. Geez...a boy would have been so much easier. haha I have an appt in the morning and am gonna see if they will give it a look. Cross your fingers.
As a side note as I've been sitting her baby is going crazy! This is by far the most movement I have felt! Love this! How fun! Praying for a crazy wiggly baby that is far different in that area than Mr. P.
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