I am sad

Do you like that title? haha It is all I can think of and it is true. Christmas day Pierce would have been 7 months old. I assumed the day would be really hard, I mean I would already be wishing he was here and missing him but also have that reminder that we would be celebrating another milestone. However I was pleasantly surprised that it was a fine day. The day was very much enjoyable except for the 20 minutes we were at church. Church has a way of making me feel bad for myself. Is that weird? It just seems that for some reason at church I notice how great everyone else life seems to be and how mine just got thrown for a loop. I know that isn't the case, but for some reason I still feel like that. The bouncing baby within in months of Pierce's age that inevitable sits in front of me every week doesn't help. It isn't even the same one each week.

Lucky for us right after the sacrament was passed Brigs started gagging and ended up throwing up some mucus and all his chocolate milk.(I know, I know TMI) Great. So we left. I actually was sad. I love when there are musical programs. I am sure it was great. And church on Christmas is really just fabulous in my opinion. Anyway so the rest of the day was great. We didn't get a chance to make it over to the cemetery although we drove passed it twice to and from church. Have I mentioned how great it is to have it so close? It really is. We drive by it on average 2 times a day, often more and we say "hi," think about the little man, and can see his spot right from the road. So glad we picked that cemetery and picked the spot we did. It makes it nice because we see it and think of him so much, I don't feel the need to go there a ton. Especially now that it is cold and with the other kiddos.

Well today we made it over to the cemetery to change out his Christmas stuff and drop of a little note for his birthday. I was a littler perturbed that I couldn't get some of my little sticks in the ground cause it is too hard. I guess I can leave this stuff for the rest of winter and just add other little things. As I looked around I saw lots of little Christmas trees scattered around by other headstones. I had Koen and Beckham with me and so we wandered around and checked things out. As a side note I TOTALLY want to do a little Christmas tree for P next year. LOVE it! So we pretty much walked the whole cemetery. It is such a nice day. They had me tell them all about everyone, their name, how old they were, if I thought they liked whatever was left for them etc. I literally bawled my eyes out. Thank Heavens for a sunny day and sunglasses. :)

I couldn't believe how many babies there were. I saw at least 15, and our cemetery is not very developed. And that was just babies not even kids, saw lots of those too. SO SAD! I noticed people who had recently passed away and ached for their families. I noticed people who were right around the year mark and thought of their families. Death is really just such an interesting thing. Before I had ever felt grief I can say I literally did not understand AT ALL. I thought knowing you would see them again would make you feel better. I thought life just moved on and you missed them less. I never looked at my friends who had loved ones pass and wondered if they were still hurting. I really and truly never even thought about it. Sorry Bert. :)

I can say for me it honestly hurts everyday. I miss him everyday. I wish he was here everyday. Somedays I cry a lot some days just a little. Somedays I wish he was here so bad it literally hurts. Others I can remember that he is free, that he is so special and strong and happy. Somedays my stomach is tied in knots thinking about this being my new life... I had a baby die, I might not have any more babies, and I wish I could change both of those things. Others I feel peace and like I can make it through, I can be strong. The bottom line is this is hard, really hard, everyday.

Well there is my sob story for today. ;) Just gotta let it out there, really, makes me feel lots better. Here are some pics from today. Beckham didn't think he could take a picture, oh he sure can, he just missed the headstone...lol.