Reality

The last few days have been hard. I really don't know why either. It just seems like my emotions are right there and I have been crying more and feeling more anxiety. It seems like the first month when I was still in the shock stage was not too bad. Then August and September where much harder and I cried a TON. October and November seemed to be mostly good. I felt like I had more of a grasp on my emotions. And then just the last few days have been rough again.

It really seems like every so often reality hits. I realize this is my life. It is hard. I don't always love it. I mean the dealing with death part. Other than that it is pretty great. :) I remember this really did happen. My baby died. He isn't coming back. I miss him. We might choose not to have anymore kids. I might not ever get to have my own little baby again. And if I do that little baby might die. It's a lot to swallow.

I was reading a friends blog today. It said how she couldn't imagine her new baby not being a part of their lives. That is my reality. It is so true that you can never imagine things until they become your reality. I always thought "Heavenly Father wouldn't give me that trial, I am not strong enough." When it boils down to it, you can either become strong enough or give up. I guess I choose to be strong enough. Even though I daily still wish I didn't have to choose.

Today I went to brunch with my best cousin. We talked a little about Pierce and how I was doing. I had to fight tears pretty hard. Its not that I can't cry to her, she is my best cousin. :) But I just get sick of crying. Like at Bunco when I all out brought on the water works! I don't want people to feel like they cant talk about him because bawling and all I LOVE IT! Sometimes my reality is good. Pierce lived. He is really special. He is a part of my family. I would rather face my reality than feel like he wasn't part of it.

In the first few months after Pierce died the idea of having another baby consumed my mind. I would feel anxious every time I say someone pregnant, with a new baby, or read about someone of the such.(my reasoning for giving facebook the boot) Then Phil and I had a long talk and gave our selves some time tables. Since then I have felt really great about things. Until the last few days. I am not sure why but again it is consuming my mind. I am feeling anxious. Straight up knots in the stomach. It is so hard to have something consume your mind that you feel like you can't currently make any decisions on. We are still awaiting some test results but even when those come back it is still a HUGE decision. I don't know how to get it off my mind but it causes me serious anxiety and drives me bonkers.

I guess I am grateful that even on days when my emotions are running crazy I still have desires to get up, go do things, play with my kids, enjoy life and genuinely feel happy. I know of others who aren't as fortunate.

Another random thought, which is what this whole post is...random thought. I went to Kohls the other day. I only had B, K was at school. A lady behind me had a baby who looked about P's age(I tell ya I spot em) and a little boy about B's age. I literally felt an urge to talk to her so I could talk about Pierce. I asked her how old they were and told her mine where about the same. I told her I didn't think I could handle bringing both of my youngest shopping. :) I sometimes just like to pretend that my life is what it isn't. Like I had a choice between bringing my crazy 2 year old with my 6 month old shopping. Why am I so weird? haha Like I said sometimes I'd rather not face my reality.