Last night Phil and I were laying in bed wishing things could be different. Wishing we had Pierce here. Wishing we had 3 kids on Earth. Wishing things could have worked out the way we wanted. It doesn't really do any good wishing, but I think it is inevitable. I told Phil that I hate thinking that forever I will wish things were different. Its not like it ever gets to a point were you are like "yep my life is just perfect here without Pierce."
After Phil had fallen asleep I lay there wide awake. I thought about how it was this day last year that we found out Pierce was a boy. I was so sad. Like seriously SO sad. I cried like "someone had died."(that's what I always said, I hate writing it now.) I Remember we went to Forgotten Carols with some of my family and I was seriously so disappointed, it was all I could think about, I was having another boy. I had a really hard time with it for like 4 months. I would cry, like can't breathe cry, everyday. I knew I would be just fine when I saw that cute little boys face, and I was and that it wouldn't matter anymore, and it didn't. What I did not know is the limited time I had with that little boy. I wish I could have just cherished the time I had with him in my belly a little more by embracing his boyness. ;) I thought I had a whole lifetime. :(
I look back now and am so mad at myself. Why was something like that such a big deal. I seriously feel ashamed that I felt that way, and that I told people that. I feel bad that I didn't just love the thought of another little boy, another baby. I am so lucky to be able to have kids. What would someone have thought of me, so sad I was having a boy, who couldn't even have kids at all? That is such a selfish and silly thing to be so upset about. Grrr, it really makes me mad that I was so naive. My little perfect life, all I had to be sad about was not having a girl. SO dumb. I am mad that I felt that way and most of all mad that I can't change it. That was who I was and that was how I felt.
I am not that person anymore. I dont feel that way anymore. I would take 10 healthy boys if I could. I hate that it took this experience to pull my head out. To realize what is important. To realize how shallowly I was thinking. It's another one of those things that I wonder if Pierce was here would I still think that? I am so glad for the perspective I have received from this experience. For how I have grown. I just wish I could have received it a different way. :) Here we go again with the wishing. ;)
12 comments:
Hugs. Is that not the loneliest feeling knowing you are the last one up?
Hindsight is 20/20 and there is no shame in not knowing what you had when you had it. Every person is like that. Every single one of us.
I am sorry that this is an experience that you can't just learn from and then have everything go back to normal.
Yes I would love to get together. Maybe the Christmas vacation? Ruby is out on the 16th. Let's plan it. You are totally welcome to come here and we could do dinner and let the kids play and we could visit. Jed has school on the 16th which is a Friday, how about that? We would be thrill-ed. Let me know.
I wrote a big long comment. But it was so long I thought I might be rambling and a downer. I just want you to know I hear ya on the wishing thing. Its the times after I have spent even a few minutes of wishing that my stomach curls and tightens and I cannot breathe. I cant wish for long or I think I would curl in a ball and not move. Isnt funny but sad how wishing before "this life" was Awe I wish I could go on a cruise, or drive a BMW, or bla bla, CRAP I dont care about now. Shoot, why does life get soooo hard. I love you and adore you and think and pray for you!!!!! If you get 10 healthy boys though, can I have one? ;) wink wink!
I love having access to your blog again! Gives me a little "in" to the mind of Lesh again. Only problem is that I have to spend more days with tear filled eyes from reading. I wish things were different for you too. I really do. That little man belongs in your crazy boy-filled life. You really are inspirational in so many ways. The best you can do is come out of any given trial or experience a better person, and you have clearly done that. I am proud to call you my bf 20 years and counting :) Love ya Lesh.
Oh don't we all wish we could go back and do things differently. I find myself wishing I would have spent more time in the hospital with my little girl knowing her time would be short, but at that time I also felt a huge obligation to be home with my son also. I was so torn, and wish I could go back. But wishing doesn't do any good like you said. Don't feel bad, especially since you have grown from the past.
The wishing, the should have beens, the what ifs.... they suck. And I think its hard to let them go. I'm not ready to accept my new future without my baby. All the other trials in my life I could look back on and think 'that was hard, but good for me'. But, this doesn't end and I will also always be wishing. It definitely changes a person. I only hope I can come out of it a little less naive and more compassionate.
I can relate to the "wishing" when I was pregnant with Jenna. Her's was a really unexpected pregnancy, and for a while, I really didn't want to have another baby - I wasn't ready. And then when we found out we were having another girl, I was kind of bummed, too. I look back now, and think about how dumb and selfish it was for me to be sad about it, and it makes me mad. I'm writing this because I think it's totally normal and completely human to wish things were different in our lives. I think we all do. I wish you could have your sweet baby -- I wish every mom who's lost a child could have their's. I think your an amazing woman and mom. Hang in there. :)
I wish all the time too, and its been a year later. I am sure that P knew he was wanted from the beginning <3
The wishing, should have been, what ifs are so hard. Dont be so down on yourself. We all do that I hope for a girl/hope for a boy before we know what we really hope for just a healthy baby. Praying for your sweet family during this hard holiday season. Know you are always in my thoughts and prayers!!
Hey will you email me your email address so I have it?
kristinwarburton@hotmail.com
Thanks!
So hard...Hindsight is a tough one...there are so many situations that with another chance I would have handled different. I hope that I can learn from your wonderful example to cherish each day...love ya!!!
Very interesting how Heavenly father helps us become better people huh?
As I read this post I am impressed at how insightful you have become and I am impressed at what an amazing woman you are becoming. I guess I have always seen you still as a young girl but your writings and understanding of things that are really important now sound like a mature woman not just a young married girl!!!
None of us like to experience hard things but I guess as we do we change in so many ways and hopefully we make those changes for good, as you are doing.
I think you are going to have an amazing life and family because you are becoming an amazing woman and mother! I always thought you were a good woman and mother but it looks to me like you are changing by leaps into one of those women that people just love because they are so all together and well rounded...... That is how I see you !!! So I wish I could really see you!! LOl Maybe you guys should just move out here by me!
Hope you are having a good Christmas time! Relax and enjoy it...in 2 minutes those little boys will be all grown up!
Love ya,
Lieu Lieu
I love this email of wisdom!!!!
Pierce has given you so many, many gifts...motherhood, eleven precious hours, understanding, acceptance, faith, and above all wisdom and discernment. This email is filled with such advanced understanding - not possible without the blessing/tragedy of Baby.
I wondered when you would face the third boy "sorrow" look at it, feel it, and then move forward with the pure knowledge of the rightness. He, this precious boy, was always meant to be. Now look at you, hitting it head on, not flinching, just realizing the blessing given and taken back for a short earthly time.
I am so very, very proud of you! You have risen light-years ahead of most of the world in the appreciation of every blessing, the magnitude of the gifts received, sometimes ignored, sometimes returned.
Billy Graham, the great evangelist has said, "...If (I) look into the heavens I see the stars, the footprints of God. I think to myself, my Father, My Heavenly Father, hung them there with a flaming fingertip and holds them there with the power of his omnipotent hand, and he runs the whole universe, and he's not too busy running the whole universe to count the hairs of my head and see a sparrow when it falls, because God is interested in me...God spoke in creation. What God asks of men is faith. His invisibility is the truest test of that faith. To know who sees him, God makes himself unseen."
You are "seeing" God as you search for peace and He is guiding your footsteps. You are making peace with yourself and with Him in a beautiful, eyes open, feeling way. You are not who you were a year ago, you are so much better!
Love,
Nana
Post a Comment